I am not from Arizona. I am from the Portland area in Oregon, known for its green flora (of many types, if you catch my drift). The summer months have temperatures in the 80s and 90s, but then as soon as October rolls around, the clouds and rain basically don't stop until June.
So, I'm obviously the most qualified to give tips for the soul-sucking heat.
I toured ASU in November 2023, and I loved the weather I experienced. The temperature was 75 degrees, and the sun was shining. My family spent our time at the pool, jeering at the cold people in jackets and puffers ... whom I have now, ironically, become.
When I came down to Arizona to move in, I was not prepared for the heat. I was shocked at how persistent the high temperatures were, and I wish that I had learned more techniques to stay cool.
Here are some real things I've done to stay cool this year.
Preparing for the heat waves
The first step you've got to take is to switch out your wardrobe. Now this doesn't have to mean buying all new items, because the Arizona heat is a new reality that does not go away. This calls for a radical change.
Now, I'm sure you've all heard about "jorts," the combination of jeans and shorts. Now apply that concept to all of your clothes. Cut off your pant legs and join the trend. Ort-ify your wardrobe to start the process of beating the heat. Sweatpants? Sworts. Leggings? Lorts. Khakis? Khorts.
Step two, it is time to download the coolest playlist you can muster for walking to class. Now I am not talking about some chill yacht rock or some icy synth-rock. What you need is a soundtrack of the sounds of the Arctic.
You need a soundtrack that inspires the feeling of freezing out in the tundra. These playlists must have the sound of ice crackling in glaciers and chilly winds cutting through to your soul. If there isn't an ambient inclusion of polar bear roars and walrus grunts, then you are not searching hard enough.
Good thing I crafted one.
The final step in your preparation for the hot months is to meticulously map the best route between all destinations. And here is where I let you in on a secret: There is a set of tunnels beneath Tempe that allow students to get from building to building without enduring the blazing sun.
Way back in the day, schools up in the North created tunnel systems so that students didn't have to walk through feet of snow to get to class. Now, former ASU President Grady Gammage could not handle that other schools had such awesome innovations to protect against the elements, so he pulled some Edison vs. Tesla-level deception to take credit for the idea and began the construction of the tunnels.
We're No. 1 in innovation for a reason.
Amid the heat
There are many steps students can take to cool down during the height of the summer months. My first suggestion is to get your minor in "public pool-icy." This revolutionary new program at ASU allows students to take courses that fully immerse them in the pools around campus.
Public pool-icy students can expect to learn the common regulations, best practices and ethics for the art of pool-going. From conservative sunscreen application to liberal hydration techniques, students can learn about a whole spectrum of pool-itical issues.
Another technique students can use to stay cool is the Cry-o-Therapy method. DO NOT confuse it with cryotherapy, though, that stuff is way too scientifically researched for this list. The Cry-o-Therapy method entails getting worked up about how the stifling heat affects your mental state to the point of tears.
These tears then act like sweat, acting as a coolant for your body by helping evaporate the excess heat away. Bonus, if you can keep those tears flowing long enough, the "cooling therapy" will become self-sustaining as everyone asks you "What's wrong?" which inevitably makes everyone cry more.
However, a problem with the Cry-o-Therapy method is that it is extremely dehydrating. But thanks to students in ASU FIDM, the newest method of constant hydration is here. Introducing, the Heavenly Hydration Hat.
Imagine those hanging water bottles that you see in a hamster's cage. Now imagine five of those attached to a bucket hat. Now, some may say it looks like a beer helmet. But it has many elements that makes it different – and, crucially, not patent-infringing.
Using pioneering rotational technology, the hat has the capacity for the wearer to switch between various hydration sources. Iced coffee? Boom. Liquid IV? Done. Diet Coke? Obviously. Plain water? Never. Heavenly Hydration Hat wearers aren't basic, and they are extremely offended that you would insult them with such a rudimentary proposition.
The cool month
There is only one step I recommend people coming to Arizona take during the non-hot months: APPRECIATE IT! Go for that long meandering walk, sit outside at every opportunity and sew your sworts back into sweatpants. Do as much as you can before the temperatures go back to unbearable.
Edited by Senna James, Sophia Ramirez and Katrina Michalak.
Reach the reporter at kagore1@asu.edu and follow @kategore_17 on X.
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Kate is a freshman studying journalism and mass communication. This is her second semester with The State Press.
