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As a middle-class white woman with a savings account in America, I’ve made a bold and groundbreaking decision this election year — I have decided not to vote.
Sure, bodily autonomy is under attack, and fine, undocumented immigrants may be deported, and alright, I concede, a forced unified religion may be a very real possibility — but who gives a shit?
They say voting is your “civic duty” or whatever, but honestly, I have enough duties to begin with. I go to school and work, so why should I have to care about (yuck) politics?
Republicans, whales and bears, oh my!
I would vote if I could still vote for my beloved RFK Jr. That brain-worm-having mystery of a man has my heart, what can I say? Yes, he’s linked to Jeffrey Epstein. And yes, he’s a Kennedy. But that man would drain this damn bureaucratic swamp! He’s a real pull ‘em up by your bootstraps kind of guy, despite being a member of one of the richest families in America. It’s a shame really because I hate bears... and whales.
Since I can’t cast my ballot for the only real American left, let’s start with Donald Trump and J.D. Vance. These two chuckleheads are the Republican nominations for the Oval Office, and let me just say they’ve done... some things.
One of them withdrew the country from the Paris Climate Agreement and Iran Nuclear Deal, gave a huge tax cut to corporations, attempted (and failed) to build a border wall, stacked the Supreme Court and caused an insurrection. And the other one … wrote a book?
That’s right, Vance made a splash in the conservative zeitgeist by writing a book entitled ever-so-stupidly, “Hillbilly Elegy.” In it, he wrote that Americans could only pull themselves out of economic hardship through hard work and determination. And to that I say, you’re right, Mr. Vance! If all these icky poor people simply went out there and worked a little harder, then maybe they wouldn’t be so poor and stupid.
Another fun fact about good old J.D. is his former comments about Trump. He publicly called the man who is now his running mate “America’s Hitler” and proudly declared that he’s a “never Trump” guy in an interview with scum-of-the-Earth Charlie Rose.
And finally, akin to every 17-year-old ranting on Twitter, he tweeted incessantly about how much he hated the dude in 2016. But clearly that’s all water under the bridge. As it turns out, Vance is a “sometimes Trump” guy.
If there’s one thing me and Trump have in common, it’s hating Taylor Swift. Not because she’s some Kamala-voting-childless-cat-lady, but merely because I believe that woman has been coasting on White Woman Mediocrity™ for about 15 years now.
This will most definitely catch me some flak, but I really don’t care about that either. The woman re-released like one bo-billion albums, charged hundreds of dollars for tickets and you all ate it up! It’s not my fault that you’re in too deep.
While I’m staunchly against caring about anything related to this election, I can’t help but talk about Project 2025: Conservatives’ epic plan for Trump’s potentially upcoming term. It’s just so awesome!
Detailed within the plan are all the regular crimes against humanity, such as finishing the border wall, making abortion pills illegal and slashing funding for research into renewable energy — but there’s one proposed policy that’s particularly fun: Schedule F.
In essence, it turns every civil servant into a political appointee, meaning positions can be given in accordance to loyalty to the president rather than actual job experience. This means that every civil servant will no longer have protection from being fired on a whim. I just can’t wait for the president of the National Rifle Association to be director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives! I bet that won’t go wrong in any capacity. Maybe we’ll lose a few kids, but honestly, who cares about the lives of children? Oh wait, I guess Trump does?
If there’s one thing we’ve learned this election season it’s that Trump cares about all the unborn babies in this world, until it’ll cost him another win. After touting a plan to ban abortions nationally a few years ago, our friend Donald has backpedaled — hard. Now he’s saying it’s up to each individual state to decide the fate of the lives of millions of uterus-having individuals. Fun! That means depending on the state you live in, abortion may be completely inaccessible to you. Incest? Boring! Ectopic pregnancy? Probably your fault. Poverty? Maybe you should just work a little harder.
Now, all of this sounds bad, but none of it affects me! I’m middle class, white and privileged enough to have an IUD. I’m sittin’ pretty. And probably everyone else is, too. I don’t know, and I don’t really care.
Kamala and your local beekeeper, Tim
That brings us to our Democratic nominees this election season, Kamala Harris and Tim Walz — and let me tell you, these two are the subject of many a rumor. Kamala slept her way to the top, imprisoned over a thousand people for possession of marijuana and lied about the competency of the crypt keeper for four years. And only one of these things is true.
Seriously though, we saw an old man decaying right in front of our eyes and the woman literally just gritted her teeth and said he was fine. That’s like saying Ricky Gervais is funny. That’s right Ricky Gervais, you’re not even safe in an article that has nothing to do with you. Fuck you.
Listen, in reality, Kamala was a pretty progressive prosecutor. She was against the death penalty, even in a case regarding the death of a police officer. She charged thousands of marijuana possessions as misdemeanors and co-founded The Coalition to End the Exploitation of Kids, a group designated to ending the human trafficking of children. Boring! I mean, who gives a fuck? I’ve never been human trafficked, so that means it’s a made-up thing that doesn’t happen to people.
One thing I love about Kamala is how wishy-washy her platform is. A lot of it is basically word salad, and isn’t that just awesome? I especially love her reluctance to make a clear plan regarding immigration. She’s tried to distance herself from her more liberal immigration policies proposed back in 2020, but really, what does that mean?
Does she intend to keep immigrant children separated from their parents at the border? That’s right, we still do that. You’d think a Democratic president would fix that one, but really, what’s a Democrat but a Republican with a bow on top? That’s what I would say if I cared.
My other favorite Kamala fact is that she won’t ban fracking. That’s great news for me because I’m the heir to an oil fortune, actually. I guess it’s also good news for Pennsylvania, the birthplace of commercial oil production in the U.S., and we all know how crucial that is. Winning is more important than the environment.
Walz looks like your favorite grandparent. That’s just a fact. Like, the guy looks like he’d offer you a caramel straight out of his pocket. But despite looking like the owner of your local flower market, he’s actually been the governor of Minnesota since 2019. During his time as governor, Tim actually did what he set out to accomplish. I may be a hater, but credit where credit is due.
Walz signed a bill codifying abortion rights after the court overturned Roe v. Wade, signed legislation that requires background checks for gun transfers, funded free meals for all K-12 students and signed a bill last year that allows undocumented immigrants to get driver’s licenses in the state. Too bad I’m not voting for him.
See, I think guns should be given to all children at birth. And maybe if those free-lunch receiving students pulled up their bootstraps like Vance and got a job at a local factory, they wouldn’t need meals funded by the radical left. What happened to the good old days?
I’m right and you’re wrong
Each candidate is bad. Equally so. One would strip the rights away from women and the queer community, create a dictatorship, ruin the economy and build a border wall — and one is a Democrat. Ew!
So see, I have a reason not to vote. Why choose the lesser evil when I could stand idly by? I may have endless information at my fingertips, be white, privileged and straight-passing, but I think I’ll sit this one out. Besides, what’s one vote?
Edited by Savannah Dagupion, Leah Mesquita and Audrey Eagerton.
This story is part of The Horror Issue, which was released on November 1, 2024. See the entire publication here.
Reach the reporter at cageare@asu.edu and follow @notevilclaire on X.
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