Listen to the article:
Dear 'Halloweekend,'
Well, well, well, it's officially spooky season. And that brings me to my first complaint. Spooky season? Are you serious? Unless you're 35, you should not be caught dead referring to the month of October as "spooky season." I get it, I get it, it's fun! Claire, just let us enjoy life for once! And to that I say, no. I'm a professional hater — I literally get paid to do this. And Halloween is no exception.
As they say, "to be cringe is to be free." And I wholeheartedly agree. But sometimes, it is not freeing. It is, in fact, corny as hell. There's something about "spooky season" that just... irks me. Stop it! Stop it now! I have no logical reasoning for this besides being a hater who, once again, gets paid.
Maybe it's because everyone uses it as a pass to be blatantly racist. When I was in high school, a group of popular kids posted their dreaded Halloweekend photos where they conveniently had their only non-white friend dress as a prisoner... and they were cops. White girls, am I right? As a white girl, I'm allowed to say that. So naturally, I was talking shit. To everyone. It was hilarious. I mean, how stupid could you be? Dressing up one of the only non-white kids in the school as your prisoner? Way to perpetuate stereotypes, guys.
A few days later, after a storm of shit-talking, these girls approached me in the middle of AP Literature. And get this — they asked me not to show those photos to their colleges. At that moment in time, I had all the power in the world. I never planned to ruin these girls' lives, they were just ignorant. I like to talk shit, but I'm not some life-ruining bitch.
I told them I wasn't going to ruin their chance at a career over some stupid Halloween costume, and I've never seen someone so relieved. Who did they think I was, a supervillain? Let's not unpack what that says about my reputation in high school, but that's beside the point. Let's just say... I wasn't everyone's favorite person.
The point is, stop being racist, please. Maybe then I won't ruin your life for fun. The problem is, there's simply too many opportunities to be racist for kicks and giggles during Halloweekend. From Pocahontas to Borat, the chance to be ignorant and dumb calls to these people like a siren song. I mean, I've seen it all.
The weirdest one to me is sombreros. What the fuck is being Mexican for Halloween? Like, are you just trying out a different culture? What even makes that a costume? And the worst part is, they're half-assing it! Toeing the line between pulling a full-on Justin Trudeau and a casual Moana costume. If you're gonna say it, say it with your whole chest.
When I was a freshman in college I allegedly stole from a major frat house. They remain unnamed, not to protect myself, but simply because I don't remember. They all sound the same to me, honestly. Sorry Greek lifers.
It was right around Halloween, and those idiots left their bathroom open. I peeked inside the cupboard beneath the sink and found the holy grail — Native deodorant. Do you know how expensive that stuff is? Like 10 dollars a pop. It might as well have been a Fabergé egg.
Listen, stealing is wrong. Stealing is bad. Unless it's from a major corporation. Because fuck them honestly. But here's my logic: Somebody in that frat house has probably made a woman or person of color uncomfortable at some point. I just know it in my heart. And maybe, just maybe, that person has expensive deodorant. And maybe, just maybe, that deodorant came home with me... allegedly.
The funniest part is, they checked my bag before I left that afternoon. They literally opened my bag, saw their own deodorant and let me walk out the back door. So basically, it was a freebie. I never even used it. You could argue I shouldn't confess to a literal crime in an article. And to that, I say… you're right. I am objectively dumb for doing this.
Besides the rampant racism on Halloween, the absolute worst part is what I like to call the Party Superiority Complex™. Now, the Party Superiority Complex is exactly what it sounds like: Your coolness index increases in relation to the number of parties you're at during Halloweekend. And to this I say, no it doesn't.
This concept is straight out of the 1980s, where beer and cigarettes made you the coolest guy on the block — except now we have Instagram, unfortunately. Social media (somehow) becomes more of a hellscape on Oct. 31 than it already is.
It's just party after party after party. Frat parties. House parties. Ragers. Daygers. Clubs. Bars. If you can name it, there's a party at it. I bet even the goddamn airport throws one.
And one more thing about social media: Sometimes I wish the carousel feature never existed. I love a good photo dump as much as the next person, but oh, the vanity! I just simply do not care to see the same photo of you from 20 different angles. It's not interesting, it's not fun and I get the point in two pictures — max. I'm already doing you the favor of swiping through your photos, so don't pull on my dick like this.
The point is: I hate you, Halloweekend. With my whole heart. It's a giant popularity contest with a costume-clad spin, and I simply cannot stand it. Maybe you should just all dress up as clowns this year because that's what you are.
Sincerely,
Claire (gets paid for this) Geare
Edited by Savannah Dagupion, Leah Mesquita and Audrey Eagerton.
This story is part of The Horror Issue, which was released on November 1, 2024. See the entire publication here.
Reach the reporter at cageare@asu.edu and follow @notevilclaire on X.
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