Attention, Sun Devils —
It is with a heavy heart that we announce U.S. News & World Report named ASU No. 2 in innovation this year.
The sun no longer shines. Birds are falling from the sky. Famine is sweeping the globe. We repeat — ASU has been named No. 2 in innovation.
We understand this may come as a shock to Sun Devils everywhere. In fact, several faculty members and students have died from broken hearts since the decision was announced. We would wish their families well, but they also keeled over from pure disbelief.
In response to this decision, ASU is preparing to launch missiles directly into the U.S. News & World Report headquarters. This is a declaration of war. Yes, U.S. News & World Report — our innovation missiles are aimed at your coordinates, and University President Michael Crow is hovering over the big red button. 38.903480, -77.060400, by the way.
“Now that ASU is No. 2 in innovation, I have decided to immediately step down from my role, crawl into a big hole and stay there forever,” President Crow announced in a statement. “My life’s purpose has turned to dust before my very eyes. I can no longer go on. Please, somebody, save me from this prison of my own making.”
It’s long been debated what being first in “innovation” means, and honestly, we’re not entirely sure. We just knew ASU was finally No. 1 in something, and really, that’s all that mattered.
Many students have claimed ASU’s former No. 1 in innovation status was an obvious cover-up to conceal our past party school reputation. And to that, we say yes. Yes it was, okay? Is it a crime to bury your past? Well, it’s definitely a crime to give alcohol to underage students, but ignore that.
“We’d bow out gracefully if MIT or Harvard beat us out for the No. 1 spot,” President Crow said while tearing up. “At least that would be fair — they’re objectively better than us. But Alaska Pacific University? Really? They must have bribed the judges. And that was our idea first!”
In an embarrassing backtrack, ASU has reluctantly decided to return its trademark on the word “innovation.” We told President Crow not to trademark it, but the man’s going to do what the man’s going to do. This is President Crow’s world, and we’re all just living in it.
READ MORE: Satire: ASU files application to trademark the word 'innovation'
To Sun Devils everywhere: All hands on deck because a LOT has to change. In place of class time, students will be forced to correct all materials touting our former No. 1 status. They’ll be placing “No. 2” sticky notes over every billboard, shuttle, sign and pamphlet, as we no longer feel innovative enough to actually change them.
Additionally, funding has dried up at the University, as many alumni have withdrawn their donations and hordes of students have dropped out entirely. We would still have money if we hadn’t spent it all on our “No. 1 in innovation” branding. Because of this, some major changes will be made to how the University maintains its revenue stream. To the dismay of many student-athletes, we will no longer be paying a salary to our biggest money-makers. Oh wait, we already don’t do that.
READ MORE: NIL compensation pushed by ASU athletes
Construction on our newest buildings has also screeched to a halt, leaving countless road closures and architectural eyesores behind. Hundreds of construction workers are now destitute, and we couldn’t care less. If you’re not President Crow, you may as well be dead to us.
Lastly, in a tragic turn of events, ASU has decided to close its doors at the end of the year. All incoming students have not been refunded and will never be. Say goodbye to the tens of thousands of dollars you’ve spent on tuition because we’re not giving it back.
To all current students, classes will continue until then — just without teachers. Or supplies. Or curricula. Now that we’re no longer No. 1 in innovation, we’ve decided to give up entirely. If you’re not first, you’re last — am I right?
We will, however, still be handing out degrees at this spring’s convocation ceremonies. They just won’t mean anything anymore. All graduation garb will now include a rainbow wig and a red foam nose, and students will be transported to the event in a comically small clown car. You’ll be the laughingstock of the workforce, so we figured we’d help you get used to it now.
We thought we had contingency plans in place in the event of any disaster possible. Bombs, zombies, climate change-induced hurricanes, you name it. But this, this we never could have imagined.
As our team prepares this notice, layoffs have already begun. In fact, this release is the product of unpaid labor. We’ve already been fired, but President Crow is hovering over us with a baseball bat, and we’re afraid of what he’ll do if we stop writing this. Please help us.
With love and fear,
Arizona State University
P.S.
Seriously, though, what do we do now?
We’re completely screwed. Our entire identity is based around one arbitrary ranking that means who knows what.
As I write this, the lights on campus are flickering on and off. We can’t even afford to pay our workers. In fact, we can’t even afford to print any more words in this releas-
Edited by Camila Pedrosa, Savannah Dagupion and Madeline Nguyen.
This story is part of The Best of ASU, which was released on April 30, 2024. See the entire publication here.
Reach the reporter at cageare@asu.edu and follow @notevilclaire on X.
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