I'm in my bitter era. Maybe it's because I'm single before Valentine's Day, or maybe it's because you people are testing me.
It's definitely the latter. I can't even take a walk around campus to escape my eternal loneliness because you're all ruining it. I'm talking face-sucking at the Memorial Union, hands in back pockets, matching pajamas in public. It's the apocalypse. It's like a deadly plague of romance is slowly sweeping through the village, and we survivors are helpless to watch as the disease claims its next victim.
Except it's even worse than that.
You know, there's a species of cicadas that comes out every 17 years with the sole purpose of screeching and screwing, but at least they don't post about it on Instagram.
Even though I'm a Certified Hater, I'm no liar. And I have to say, you guys are pretty entertaining. For God knows what reason, you all participate in this train wreck of a mating season, and I just get to sit back and watch. Every. Single. Year. I'm the Jane Goodall of college relationships at this point. I've got my doctorate in hate-ology and my minor in keeping tabs on your life. So, I've put my talents to good use.
Thanks to my expert social media stalking — I mean research — skills, combined with your willingness to share every moment of your relationship online, I have devised a scientifically tested calendar for tracking your love life. As seasons come and go, so do relationships — and unfortunately, yours is about to end.
Welcome to The Annual Cycle of Relationships™ (Patent pending. But not really.)
Okay, that's a little too general. Let's break this down further, class, shall we? So even you can keep up.
Winter
It's the most wonderful time of the year — if you're taken. But if you're single, it's a bitter reminder that your time is running out.
Look, I get it. Our little monkey brains don't want to be alone in the winter. The freezing chill that lingers around the holidays sends everyone into a panic about our imminent deaths, so instinctively, we pair up to try to survive these cold months together.
Except, what cold? We live in the middle of the desert. And what are you trying to survive exactly? FOMO?
Colloquially, this time of year is fittingly referred to as “cuffing season.” Yes, as in literal handcuffs. And it's not wrong! You people must be chained together the way you're perpetually on top of one another. I know the cuffs are figurative, but your hand seems awfully stuck to her thigh, buddy. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Before the bomb strapped to your relationship goes off, you get to spend one last holiday with your soon-to-be ex: Valentine's Day.
Here's a fact of life: People hate missing out, especially when it comes to Valentine's Day. We've all seen the movies where some sad-sack idiot loser spends Feb. 14 without a valentine, and who wants to be a sad-sack idiot loser?
So, as January races by, we cling to whoever's readily available for fear of losing cheap chocolates and even cheaper promises. “We'll be together forever.” “You're the love of my life.” “I couldn't live without you.”
Just spare me, honestly. I've heard these lies before. I've ended a relationship once or twice in my life, and I can't confirm or deny this, but I think they're still living.
Spring
Fuck a May-to-December romance. Make room for an October-to-February fling. After five couples holidays, 40 anniversary posts and 2,000 hours of banging my head against the wall, the cuffs are finally unlocked. That's right — you've officially made it to breakup season.
Do you know what's more entertaining than watching entire relationships burst into flames online? Nothing. As someone who's very publicly retracted a hard launch multiple times, I'm allowed to say this: It's objectively hilarious.
Random mutuals who were codependent on some stranger are suddenly posting provocative pictures to angsty songs. It's like a Bat-Signal for the newly single.
Thirst trap all you want — nothing will help you overcome the shame of deleting your ex's tag from your bio.
PSA: Stop doing that. For one, it makes your partner's account look like a social media campaign that you've started for your cat. But most importantly, it's simply embarrassing. Do you know who else has your tag in their bio? Your mother, right under the words: “It's wine o'clock somewhere!” The least you could do is put her tag in your bio instead after all the free press she's given you.
Oh, and if you thought no one noticed you've “quietly” deleted all traces of your ex from your feed? We did. I did. And I speak for the people. Instagram giveth, and Instagram taketh away.
But don't despair: Every single's favorite week — spring break— is upon us, which means it's time for you to ditch the old ball and chain and make out with a sexy stranger in Cabo.
The unfortunate news is: When you're an ASU student, there's no such thing as a sexy stranger in Cabo. For better or worse, you have the entire student body to choose from, so be prepared to see that random hookup around campus for the next couple of years! In line at the MU, strolling down Palm Walk and sitting in front of you in your lecture class. No place is safe.
Summer
As the temperatures spike, the cycle continues. Hot They Summer heats up as everyone returns to their hometowns for a regrettable rendezvous with that one kid who sat behind you in high school math. The very people you never wanted to see again after graduation suddenly become viable options, and I'm convinced a monthslong heatstroke is to blame.
Pro tip: Don't even think about logging onto dating apps in your hometown. Yes, I'm speaking from experience here. I accidentally matched with a random kid from high school on Hinge the other day, and the first thing he messaged me about was whether I was still dating my ex. Why, of course I am. That's why I'm on Hinge, obviously, because I'm in a happy relationship.
The only other way to kill time over the summer is to daydream about unattainable crushes. Whether it's a parasocial crush on a YouTuber or the only other person at the airport who's your age, you swear there's some tension. There isn't. I'll tell you the truth here: The grocery store clerk doesn't want you, the barista doesn't want you, and Kurtis Conner definitely doesn't want you. You're just bored.
So, that's a wrap on summer! Time to head back to campus with your laundry list of regrettable hookups, missed connections and potential STDs. Get tested, folks.
Fall
Wait, you're still here?
Pour one out for our fallen soldiers because this season is for the relationships that made it through the year alive. Hats off to you, honestly. If you're still in a relationship at this point, you're either a victim of Stockholm syndrome or the wedding is next month — and I haven't gotten my invitation in the mail yet...
Seriously, though, congratulations. If you're not single in September, it's truly a miracle. Like that fish that grew legs, you're a scientific anomaly, and you've stumped even the most skilled scientist in the field (me). You've survived spring's carnage and summer's breeding frenzy, and you've lived to tell the tale.
Fall is the time when these OTPs reign. For the rest of us cretins, however, the prowl begins once again. As school starts up, a new dating pool floods onto campus just in time to be snatched up for winter. I swear it feels like I'm dodging Cupid's arrows just trying to walk through campus.
After that, the cycle restarts yet again, continuing in perpetuity. What have we learned here? From the looks of it, probably nothing. I know I didn't learn anything. Life is a flat circle, love is meaningless and you'll do it again next year.
Edited by Camila Pedrosa, Savannah Dagupion and Madeline Nguyen.
This story is part of The Culture Issue, which was released on Feb. 28, 2024. See the entire publication here.
Editor's notes: The opinions presented in this column are the author's and do not imply any endorsement from State Press Magazine or its editors.
Reach the reporter at cageare@asu.edu and follow @notevilclaire on X.
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