You just moved into a near-campus apartment with an elevator. Congratulations! Unfortunately, that means you have to share an elevator with these people.
Trust me, I've been interacting with these people for eight months.
Dude With the Big, Scary Dog
Ding! The stainless steel doors slowly draw open. You see a white pitbull with black and brown spots. You like dogs. You really do. But this hardly qualifies as a dog. It barks at you and begins to growl viciously. It salivates as though Pavlov just rang the food bell. You take two giant steps back. A ripped young man in a bro tank holds the leash attached to its spiked collar. “What are you looking at?!” he asks you as you try to decide whether you'll wait for the next one. “Well … are you going down, or not?”
Way-Too-Friendly Dude
You have one class with this guy. Other than that, he’s not part of your life at all. Except for the fact that he lives in the same steel and concrete structure as you. He asks you what you think of the class. You tell him what you think of the class. He asks you if you like the instructor. You tell him that you like the instructor. He asks you what you do after the class. You don’t even really know the answer to that, so you make something up. He asks you what you do before the class. Again, you make something up. He asks you if you’ve ever been to Telluride. He tells you that, next time you go skiing, you have to go to Telluride.
Dude You Went to High School With
You guys knew each other in high school, but you definitely weren’t friends. He asks if you remember that one time in ninth grade gym class. Politely, you tell him that you do. He asks you if you still hang out with What’s-Her-Name. You tell him that you don’t. He asks why not. You tell him that you don’t feel like explaining it at the moment. He says he’s sorry for asking. There’s awkward silence for a few seconds. He breaks the silence and asks if it’s OK if he hangs out with What’s-Her-Name. You tell him that you don’t care, even though you do. He tells you that he doesn’t have What’s-Her-Name’s number, and he needs you to give it to him. You tell him you don’t think she would like that. (She probably wouldn’t.)
Crossfaded-And-Lost Dude
He asks you if he’s close to the Whataburger. You tell him he’s nowhere near the Whataburger. He asks how to get to the Whataburger. You don’t feel like explaining the exact route to the Whataburger, so you point in the general direction of the Whataburger and tell him it’s waaaay over there. When the elevator gets down to the lobby, he graciously thanks you before getting out and walking toward the Whataburger. You know he’s not going to make it there, but what else can you do?
Maybe next time, you'll just take the stairs.
Reach the columnist at cmfitzpa@asu.edu or follow @CodyFitzStories on Twitter.
Editor’s note: The opinions presented in this column are the author’s and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.
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