You can learn a lot about someone by living with them — their sleeping habits, dietary preferences, weird hobbies etc. But I would argue that the thing about living with someone that reveals the most about their character is this: how they behave when they throw a party at your place. Here's how I think it would go down if the presidential candidates decided to "turn up."
Hillary Clinton
She's playing beer pong against Bernie Sanders. Fortunately for her, Barack Obama is on her team, and Bernie's partner is his pet bird. She only has one cup left to make, and Bernie has four. Bernie says that he really deserves to be winning because "the only reason Hillary's made so many cups is because she keeps getting 'balls back,'" a rule that Bernie believes in undemocratic.
Read More: If the presidential candidates were your ASU roommates
Donald Trump
"Our parties don't win anymore. We don't win with music. We don't win with lights. We don't win with alcohol. We don't even win with girls, which is surprising because I'm here. All the other parties — down the hall, at the 'plex and even at 922 — they're laughing at us. And it's not gonna happen anymore — I can tell you that right now. Believe me, our next party is going to be so great, you're not even gonna know what happened. I can tell you that right now."
Bernie Sanders
"This party is rigged. One percent of the guests are drinking over 50 percent of the booze. Why is it that every other major party on campus is able to distribute its alcohol fairly? I don't think it's a radical idea that everyone at this party should be able to drink his or her fair share. That is why we need an alcoholic revolution!"
Ted Cruz
He invited Carly Fiorina, which was a bad move because the only good reason to invite Carly Fiorina over is if you need her to fix your printer. And even that's a risky decision because she has a history of breaking them.
John Kasich
He's just not having a good time. No one here likes him, and he really should have left hours ago. Truthfully, he's probably only sticking around for the free food.
After watching all this happen in your apartment, you're glad you're graduating next month, because there's no way the real world can be any worse than this party. Of course, unless the real world is run by the people at this party.
Related links:
If the presidential candidates were your ASU roommates
Top 10 photos of Donald Trump yelling: a definitive guide
Reach the columnist at cmfitzpa@asu.edu or follow @CodyFitzStories on Twitter.
Editor’s note: The opinions presented in this column are the author’s and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.
Want to join the conversation? Send an email to opiniondesk.statepress@gmail.com. Keep letters under 300 words and be sure to include your university affiliation. Anonymity will not be granted.
Like The State Press on Facebook and follow @statepress on Twitter.
