You can learn a lot about someone by living with them — their sleeping habits, dietary preferences, weird hobbies etc. This is what I think it would be like to live with the presidential candidates.
Hillary Clinton
Major: Political Science
You don’t see her very often because she spends almost all of her waking hours studying. She got into trouble last year for not using her asu.edu email address in her correspondences with her professors, but she has since changed her ways.
Donald Trump
Major: Economics
You have nowhere to put your groceries because the freezer is full of his steaks. He says that if you ever touch his steaks, he's going to build a wall around the kitchen and make you pay for it.
He never goes to football games because ASU “doesn’t win anymore.” He says it’s because our coaches make bad recruiting deals. Of course, he’s never even set foot on a football field before, but he doesn't let that stop him from voicing his opinion.
Bernie Sanders
Major: Political Science
You don’t know him all that well because the only way he’ll hang out with you is if you want to either shoot hoops or “do marijuana.”
He bought a guitar over the summer. Unfortunately, the only song he knows is Woody Guthrie’s “ This Land Is Your Land,” and he insists on playing it all through the night.
He thinks it’s unfair that Hillary cheats on some of her homework assignments, but Hillary says it's fine because everyone does it.
He doesn't go to class quite as often is he should, and he complains that tuition isn't free. When people ask him how we should make ASU tuition-free, his only answer is that we need a tax on Wall Street speculation.
Ted Cruz
Major: Public Policy
He’s on the debate team. He has zero friends. You’ve emailed Student Housing several times requesting to have him moved to a different room, but no one else is willing to take him.
He does extremely well academically, which is surprising because he refuses to write any essays that won't fit on a postcard.
John Kasich
Major: Political Science
At this point in the semester, it’s mathematically impossible for him to pass any of his classes except for Ohio Studies, but he refuses to withdraw from the ones he’s failing because he’s confident that the curve is going to bring all of his 15 percents up to Cs.
On the bright side, your place always smells like fresh fruit.
In conclusion, the state of the dorm is, well, there's no way around it ... terrible.
Related links:
The major 2016 presidential candidates as Mario Kart characters
Reach the columnist at cmfitzpa@asu.edu or follow @CodyFitzStories on Twitter.
Editor’s note: The opinions presented in this column are the author’s and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.
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