Scratching his way to recognition from the depths of nostalgic '90s hell is one sarcastic felis catus that must've slipped our minds: Salem the Cat, the spunky feline from the 1996 hit show "Sabrina the Teenage Witch."
It's a cat-astrophe that we've left his memory to rot buried somewhere beneath a plaid "Clueless" skirt, a stack of rainbow colored animals smiling from the covers and folds of Lisa Frank office supplies and a whole lot of crispy M&M's. In the show, Salem's been scorned. He has turned bitter and sarcastic, relying on food in times of hardship and celebration. What post-teen/pre-adult (that's like, ages 20-22) can't say the same? We've all channeled our inner Salem at one point.
1. Enduring a judgmental brunch with grandma
Set the scene: It was summer break, and you decided that catching up with grandma over a five-star breakfast spread and a few (six, maybe seven) mimosas would be a good time because she just can't seem to figure out how to send a text message.
Unfortunately for you, grandma had different plans that went beyond asking about classes and work and decided to delve into the deeper issues, like your lack of suitors, our black president, THE GAYS (she might've used "fruitcakes" interchangeably) and the deep-rooted problems of the Millennial generation.
The only answer was to turn to shouting about capitalism or the pitfalls of whatever religion/diet/as seen on TV special grandma insists will turn your life around. Chase the poor conversation with copious amounts of that champagne nectar from the gods. It's fine, they're bottomless for a reason.
2. Realizing graduation is less than two months away
TBH, no one prepares you for this. Somehow graduation is less than two months away, and we're supposed to be getting a soulless nine-to-five??? Selling our flasks and dormitory slippers for tailored suits??? This isn't the reality I signed up for.
It's hard to not feel crushing depression and the fear that our lives are ending with the constant nag of "What are you going to do after graduation?" and "The party's over!" being thrown at you by anyone who finds out that imminent doom and a whole lot of loan repayment is headed your way. What am I doing after graduation? I don't know, OK?! I'm scared of living my life in a cubicle and don't want to talk about this anymore. Can't I just live?
3. When people try to make small talk on the light rail
Look, pal. I don't want to tell you which book I'm reading, where I got my shoes or give you my phone number. It's bad enough that I'm riding in this body-transportation cylinder that's kinda smelly — I don't need you pushing your way against me to ask questions that you have no business knowing the answer to. I mean come on, I'm even wearing my headphones! If this is the reward for reducing my carbon footprint and lowering our desert city's emissions, I don't even want to know what the punishment is for not. Serenity now!
4. When your mom won't respond to your texts
As far as I'm concerned, my mom has one job: to be my biggest fan. This includes but is not limited to dealing with all of my problems at the drop of a hat, somehow knowing everything that's going on in my life without me telling her, and being my best friend. I can't talk myself down from a fit of panic — I need her to do it for me. So why does she think that it's OK to abandon her one job to have a life of her own? I propose a solution: It's impossible to be ignored when the party in question is rapid-fire iMessaging her "mom" and "hi" until she responds. Hey, world's best mom! Pay attention to me! I am your one and only.
5. All the times that food was a friend
Food is great. Food will not judge you and will never turn against you (unless you're eating something you're allergic to, oops). Turning to food is always a safe option — too much alcohol? Soak it up with some carbs. Long day? Probably time for some cheesecake? Relationship troubles? Hellllllo, raw cookie dough. Food brings together people in a way nothing else can. Thank you, food.
Although Salem might be the '90s character that we've forgotten, he's definitely the one we need right now. Remember: I am Salem; you are Salem. We are all Salem.
meow meow meow meow at opiniondesk.statepress@gmail.com or meow meow meow meow @mikayrodr meow Twitter. Pizza.
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