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It’s time to prepare yourself for landing back in the “real” world, where your family will casually interrogate you about your life back at ASU. Every family has at least an ounce of kook, and we’ve compiled a handy list of all the somewhat bizarre, yet lovable relatives who add a nice streak of color to Thanksgiving dinner.
1. Your Grandpa Who Thinks Fox News Is Actual News
“No, Grandpa, climate change is not manufactured by liberals in order to ban SUVs from the U.S.,” might be a line you’d like to throw back at your grandpa who keeps citing “statistics” from Fox News as though it’s a reputable news source. While such a response might inspire a lively debate that will keep you entertained through three rounds of dessert, you should know by now that you won’t get anywhere.
2. Your Aunt With Fake Nails For Days
Lots of cheek pinching and hugging from your overly perfumed aunt are practically a tradition at this point in your life. She’s got a new set of French tips, a drink in hand and a boatload of gossip about all the family that couldn’t make it to dinner. In years past, you might have been inexplicably frightened of her manicure, but now she might be your best bet for a conversation buddy. She’ll be too busy gabbing about Susan From Next Door to ask you about college life. She might even share her cocktail with you — if you’re 21 years old, of course.
3. Your Drunk Uncle
We get it, football is exciting. The Big Game is very exciting. So exciting, it seems, that it requires a lot of shouting and the occasional expletive to pour forth from the living room where your uncle is stationed on the sofa with “a beer or two.” Meanwhile, your Aunt With Fake Nails For Days croons from the backyard, “I don’t understand why we can’t just watch the parade.” She doesn’t get it. This is The Big Game. Regardless of the outcome, The Big Game is all that your uncle will talk about for the rest of the night.
4. Your Mother and Her Suffocating Love
“You look so thin! Have you been eating? I’m worried about you. I heard that kids your age are really into drugs. Are you on drugs? Your pupils look funny. Oh, honey, I’ve missed you. It’s not the same at home without you. We’re turning your room into a guest room. Hope you don’t mind that I donated all your old clothes. Oh, it’s just great to see you.” After a while, it’ll all start to bleed together. Try to be nice to your mom. She just misses you, and if you’re honest with yourself, you miss her, too.
5. Your Grandma Who Wants to Know About Your Love Life
“So, are you seeing anyone? Is it serious? Will we have a grandbaby soon?,” asks your grandma. You’ve been asked some variation on this question at least five times by now, and each time only frightened you more. Serious relationships? Marriage? You can barely imagine the future beyond finals week — let alone when you plan to have children.
6. Your Grandma Who Burned the Turkey
While one grandma is busy getting to the bottom of your love life, the other is probably hard at work in the kitchen trying to cook two turkeys, stuffing, four different types of pie and mashed potatoes. It’s a wonder she hasn’t run out of the kitchen crying. After she pulls the charred remains of a turkey from the oven, it might be a good time to go over and offer some consolation along the lines of “Grandma, I totally get it. If you could have seen me last Tuesday when I had a French test and an essay due…”
7. Your Older Brother
You used to have so much in common with your older brother. Yeah, you had the occasional disagreement, but you were tight as thieves until he ran off to college and your paths diverged entirely. Maybe he joined a frat or perhaps he’s so far into his physics program that you don’t understand how everything relates back to quantum mechanics. Either way, you can still talk about “the good old days” of being 7-years-old and having absolutely no awareness of things like “career paths” or “service charges may apply.”
8. The Anxious Undergraduate
Most likely, this is you. When not busy deferring questions like “What are you doing after you graduate, sweetie?” and censoring your no doubt risqué collegiate misadventures for your audience, you might find yourself struggling to relate to “normal” adults who function in the “real world” or staring enviously at your more successful cousin from Yale (see: No. 9). Your vigorous nods of approval to complicated questions like “How’s college?” mask your inner anxiety about the term papers and exams that loom in the coming weeks. Load up on mashed potatoes and be nice to your family. They just live in a separate universe that you will join someday.
9. Your More Successful Cousin From Yale
“So, how’s Yale?” you hear from across the dinner table. “It’s probably a total dream,” adds your Aunt With Fake Nails For Days. Yeah, a total dream. Don’t give yourself a hard time for not getting into (insert wildly prestigious and expensive university here). You’re working just as hard here at ASU.
Reach the reporter at Zachariah.Webb@asu.edu or chat him up about your kooky relatives on Twitter at @zachariahkaylar.
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