Asexuals Are Not Alone

College is known to be a hotbed for sexual activities and experimentation. This may make attending college uncomfortable or even hostile to those who do not experience sexual attraction. Aces of Arizona, an organization for asexual students at ASU, hopes to change that.

Undergraduate student and club founder “Hannah” (real name withheld by request), said she knew she was asexual after she had her first serious boyfriend in high school. She said she liked him platonically and romantically, but didn’t want him sexually.

“I just remember it really bothering me and wondering what was wrong with me,” she says. “How can I not like this person, despite being very beautiful inside and out?... I couldn't be sexually attracted to him, no matter how much I tried to be.”

She explains the difference between asexuality and celibacy as this: celibacy is a choice to not have sex, while asexuality is not experiencing the drive to have sex and is something a person is born with. Being asexual does not automatically equal being a virgin either, she adds.

“Asking an asexual if they’re a virgin is like asking a gay man ‘Are you a top or a bottom?’” Hannah says. “It’s just… assuming someone’s sexual behavior based on (his or her) sexual orientation.”

Asexuality is not something commonly talked about inside or outside of schools she says, noting her Intro to LGBTQ class textbook only has a single mention of it in the first chapter. She discovered asexuality as an identity when she learned about romantic orientations.

“I remember always being confused, because I did have… crushes on people who I formed some kind of connection with,” Hannah says. “But I’d be really confused. I’d have no interest in having sex with them, but I would just want to be closer to them.”

Sexual attraction is the norm in society, which leads to assumptions that everyone experiences sexual attraction, she says. Being otherwise gets one labeled as “weird,” Hannah notes.

Seeing people online who described themselves in a similar manner led to her looking up asexual and finding out about AVEN, an online asexual community and resource. But Hannah said she was still reluctant to describe herself as asexual and continued researching it.

“It was really kind of a scary discovery,” she says. “Like this identity totally describes me, but I can’t say it.”

There was relief as well in no longer feeling alone, Hannah says. When she went to an AVEN conference, she was around people open about their asexuality for the first time.

“It was like, ‘Well, at least I’m not just messed up or something,’” she says. 

Hannah is not the only asexual who’s had to come terms with a new understanding of one’s identity. Fellow asexual Patrick Justice is not an ASU student, but as a friend of Hannah’s he will be involved in ASU’s Aces of Arizona. Justice said he learned about asexuality from Youtube videos and an asexuality documentary. Further reading led to him discovering his own asexuality at the age of 33.

“My first and initial reaction was that I was a little startled, because I wasn’t quite sure if this really applied to me,” he says. “It wasn’t something to be afraid of... but my general feeling was that I was confused… like a wake-up call, as if I was in a coma for the last thirty-some years. Then I woke up, and realized ‘Wow. You know, this is me. This has been me.’”

Though it was a “little nerve-wracking” to tell his family and friends about his orientation and he “didn’t know where to start,” Justice says most of them have accepted it.

First he says he called his mother and asked her to watch the documentary and then discussed what he had learned about himself. From there he informed his closer friends to casual acquaintances. Not everyone knows right now, but eventually everyone will know, he adds.

Although he did lose a couple of friends, he said he’s gained 200 more thanks to his involvement in the asexual community.

He began simply participating in chat rooms out of a desire for more answers and to connect with similar people, Justice says. He then posted online about meet-ups for an Aces of Arizona group he was a part of, and from there his participation evolved into starting up similar groups elsewhere.

He noted he first met Hannah online in an asexuality forum before unexpectedly meeting her in person in California months later at an AVEN conference.

“It showed me where she was at with the dedication and the seriousness about our orientation and our group,” Justice says.

He has not gotten involved with Hannah’s club yet, but he says he plans to be involved in events throughout October, with additional aid provided over the phone and internet. Their discussions so far have revolved around the club’s curriculum and other minutia, including its name. Justice says the two of them agreed to call it Aces of Arizona, as a chapter of the already existing group.

“There’s no sense in trying to create a whole different name, then it would look like we’re competing against each other,” he says.

The main problem asexuals face is ignorance from others, Hannah says. People don’t understand what asexuality is and how to treat people who identify as asexual, so they tend to come across as phobic when they’re just ignorant, she adds.

“Asexuality still remains in the DSM listed as a sexual disorder. So it's hard to really blame a person for general ignorance,” she said in an email.

It was her experiences with others that fostered an interest in forming her own group, Hannah says. When she talked to the advisor of the LGBTQA coalition about her idea to form an asexual group on-campus, she was asked how many people she honestly thought would join.

Hannah said she put on her “Challenge Accepted” face and told them that asexuality occurs in every one out of 100 people. And with the number of ASU students, that would lead to a good few hundred potential members, she adds.

She asked the advisor of another group she’s part of, ASU’s sexual wellness organization, Devils in the Bedroom, if she would act as an advisor to Aces of Arizona. Her advisor agreed but was honest about how much she much felt she did not know about asexuality, which Hannah says is better than someone trying to sound like they know more than they do and instead sounding ignorant.

Hannah also notes she’s gotten comments on being part of a sexual wellness group, as if being asexual means that she automatically hates sex.

“What makes you think I hate sex just because I’m asexual?” she asks. She adds that she encourages people to express their sexuality however they wish.

Kimberly Frick, advisor of ASU’s Aces of Arizona, has previous advising experience with Devils in the Bedroom. She said in an email Hannah and other students have taught her more about asexuality.

“As an organization we decided we need to provide more support and resources for students who are asexual,” Frick says.

Hannah has experience working with Devils in the Bedroom, The LGBTQA Coalition and Gender What, Frick says.

“Over the past two years that I have worked with her I have watched her grow and develop leadership skills and I know she will be a great leader in her new organization,” Frick says.

The club will not just promote awareness for asexuality but will also promote awareness of the asexuality community, Hannah says.

“By planning a club on campus, that will… raise people’s awareness, campus-wide at least, that this group exists,” she says.

The details of club meetings are still undecided, Hannah says. Where meetings shall be held is still unknown and although Hannah would like to hold meetings twice a month, she said she needs to check the availability of all on-campus members before she commits to a timeframe. Meetings will likely focus on plans for club activities and events, she adds.

“I’ve gotten more people and more support than I thought I would,” she says, noting the several emails she’s gotten from students interested in joining.

Not only will Aces of Arizona be making a presentation during Asexual Awareness Week with the LGBTQA coalition, but Hannah also has plans for club involvement with the AIDS walk as well as both panels at Sexual Wellness Week and the pride parade in April. The panels will likely focus on common questions people have as well as asexuals sharing their experiences, she adds.

“For a lot of people, it’s like this extremely foreign concept to them,” Hannah says. “I’ve gotten so many questions about… what’s it like, being asexual.”

She said the involvement with Asexual Awareness Week was last minute, and next year she intends to have more events planned for the week.

Hannah says she has plans for more than just an asexual group at ASU. In time, she hopes to help start one at NAU and U of A as well, turning Aces of Arizona into a statewide group.

Asexuals attending ASU may still feel pressured by sexual stereotypes and expectations. But with the new opportunities Aces of Arizona will offer, they need no longer feel alone.

Reach the reporter at smande17@asu.edu or follow @SarahDeAnderson.

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