When word got to me last week about the secret recordings from the office of U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., my whole world was shaken.
Up until now, I had always assumed that politicians were nice to each other, even when their backs were turned.
If Mitt Romney's 2012 campaign taught me anything, it is that politicians never plot and say mean things behind closed doors.
CNN, thank you for letting me know about this scary "Whac-a-Mole" strategy that McConnell and his staff were planning to discredit his then-potential senatorial opponent Ashley Judd.
Until now I was so sure that all politicians played fair and never plotted to smear each other to manipulate public opinion. That's just ridiculous. As for Ashley Judd, she's definitely an innocent victim in all of this. It's not like she ever tried to desperately smear anyone.
But also I must give my kudos to Mother Jones. After so many years of claiming how evil and wrong it is to secretly record people who are planning to brutally kill Americans, I am so pleased that you have seen the light and are now embracing secret recordings to combat the real threat to America: Republicans.
Your transformation on this issue is truly inspiring. I will not be swayed the cynics who think you're only temporarily shirking your standards to harm your political foes and nobody else. I admire that you don't allow distractions like 9/11 or the recent attacks in Boston to dissuade you. You're the real deal, and I admire your savvy in knowing who is really out to destroy America.
I have truly been educated this week. I have a new lease on life. But my foundations have been incredibly shaken by all these radical revelations.
I am afraid of turning on the television tomorrow and receiving wall-to-wall coverage on other shocking developments: "The Tower of Piza is crooked," "Maury Povich reveals Anakin is Luke's father," "Chick-Fil-A not popular in San Francisco."
Also shocking: "English is the most used language in England," "O.J. did it," "Experts say you can see better in the daytime," "Wrestling and reality TV are proven to be fake."
And to top it all off, all analysis of the legal ramifications of these groundbreaking developments should be provided by New Yorker and CNN legal correspondent Jeffrey Toobin, who will then make headlines himself as he breaks innocent hearts all across America when he reveals that not all lawyers are honest.
Reach the columnist at colton.gavin@asu.edu or follow him at @coltongavin
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