Demolition of a vacant Phoenix hotel has brought a rat pack to the Downtown campus. Before you start gearing up for a local version of “Ocean’s Eleven,” you should realize this situation isn’t quite so smooth.
Ongoing deconstruction of the hotel to make way for (eventual) ASU expansion has displaced a community of rodents, which is now taking refuge in nearby buildings. Only 12 sightings so far might not be much, but rats are known for their propensity to multiply.
The University asked faculty and staff to keep food sealed and locked away, but while these steps might remove the incentive for rats to infiltrate the campus, it doesn’t mean they won’t still be there.
Facilities management has plans to place traps wherever these unsuspecting rodents might crawl on campus, and the University has asked that any sightings of rat activity be reported.
But before any anti-rat hysteria sets in, let’s pause a moment to think about the potential ramifications of rat-hate propaganda.
PETA is already keeping a close eye on the University for its animal-testing practices, and we certainly wouldn’t want any more negative attention to come from dealing with this infestation.
While we may not have a new set of lab rats, luckily there’s a range of options to fix the problem.
Perhaps the most natural way would be to round up all feral cats on the Tempe campus, send them Downtown and let them feast. Along the same lines, there’s a group of snakes in Tempe’s Life Sciences building that might want in on the action.
We could also take the friendlier route and put the rodents to work.
Our favorite source of factual information — Disney — showed us that rats have a knack for culinary greatness. Since ASU is also all about making dreams come true, let’s inspire them to follow their passions.
Aramark can take a cue from “Ratatouille” and get the rats in chef hats. We’d all like to see an improvement in the food at our dining halls, and it worked wonders for Gusteau’s.
Or we can bring in some mutant turtles and have the rats set up a dojo. We’re not quite sure how Splinter learned his mastery of the martial arts, but education is clearly a more sustainable alternative to extermination. This rat-training-ninja business could be the key to solving the police departments’ budget problems and keeping crime rates down.
Of course, this could all be coming as a sign, coincidence or irony that ASU is heading in the right direction when it talks about plans to move the law school downtown.
The Downtown campus feels pretty lush and comfy in its sweet setting next to the Civic Space Park, but let’s just hope these critters don’t bring it down a notch. With any luck, the situation will be handled in a quick way before we’re all caught up in the rat race.
