If you’ve ever played the classic board game Scrabble, you know how frustrating it is to draw two X’s and not be able to spell Xerox. Well, never fear, board-game-loving friends, because Scrabble has felt your pain. All you have to do is take a hop across the pond to the United Kingdom to pick up an edition of Scrabble Trickster, to be released this July. The new Scrabble rules will allow proper nouns like city and celebrity names.
Are you thinking what we’re thinking? That’s right, political scientist Zbigniew Brzezinski is no longer off limits. And feel free to use “State Press.” We can’t promise it’ll help you win, but you could use an extra 12 points, right? (If you’re sneaky, try using your blank tile as a period and earn 19 points with statepress.com)
But there’s no reason Scrabble should be the only classic board game modernizing itself. Here are some updates that might better reflect today’s society in everyone’s favorite board games:
Monopoly: It’s time for Parker Brothers to roll the dice and change the game to reflect real life. Whenever the richest player hits a rough patch, the government takes money from the worse-off players and gives the leader a bailout. Also, as any ASU student knows, there is no such thing as “free parking.” Starting off a good $600 lighter should do the trick.
Battleship: In the new version of this coordinate-crunching game, you can’t win until you take a page out of former President George W. Bush’s book and hang a “Mission Accomplished” banner from your board. Keep in mind that this has to be done preemptively and may not guarantee victory.
Uno: Since the popularization of “Official English laws,” which Arizona adopted in 2006, the new version of Uno is called “One.”
Risk: Before you make any move, you must have it cleared through an international governing body. This certainly won’t make the game move any faster, but the good news is even when your request to attack Kamchatka is denied, you can opt to go it alone.
Connect Four: Remember the simple days, when all you had to do was line up four red or black plastic discs in a row? Not anymore — the update to Connect Four has been adjusted for inflation. Who’s up for Connect Eight?
Candyland: Even though 34 percent of men and 36 percent of women in the U.S. are obese, the viral “100-calorie pack” trend means it’s time to change Candyland’s name to “Low-Calorie Snack-Pack Land” sometime soon. King Kandy and Princess Lolly don’t need to be renamed, but it should be noted that their figures are 100-calorie shadows of their former selves. (Don’t worry, they taste the same.)
Operation: Before you can actually be operated on in the new Operation game, you have to be cleared for the surgery by your insurance provider. Round one now includes presenting your case before a death panel, made up of several clones of Sarah Palin.
Old Maid: Political correctness is indisputably one of the single-most important movements in America today. So tell us, why do game manufacturers insist on using antiquated and offensive monikers like “old” and “maid?” Changing the game’s name to “Elderly Housekeeper” would be the best way to deal with this problem.
Mouse Trap: Before all players work together to build the “crazy contraption,” one player acts as PETA and demands a review of the trap to make sure it’s humane. Then after it’s built, all players race to trap each other’s mice as usual. But if PETA gets there first, everyone has to go to court.
Sorry: As any transgressor knows, saying sorry is never a simple procedure. To make the game a more true-to-life experience, a player must, after drawing a “Sorry” card, stage a press conference, apologize to any disappointed devotees, then go to rehab.
