We came so close to getting to know a real working-class American during the final presidential debate. McCain introduced Joe the Plumber, a man who dreams of expanding his plumbing business, that is if “raise-taxes-until-America-bleeds” Obama doesn’t get elected.
But then, within hours after the debate, the real story came out.
Joe would be eligible for a tax break, not increase, under Obama’s plan.
Joe doesn’t have a plumbing license.
His real name is Samuel.
Just like that, Joe the Plumber became yet another cog in the political campaigning machine.
Et tu, Wurzelbacher?
Disheartened by another failed conservative hero, I journeyed into the heartland of Tempe in search of a real one.
I may have found him. Here, in his own words, is the story of Tempe’s very own Joe the Button Factory Worker:
Hi, My name’s Joe. I’ve got a wife and three kids and I work in a button factory.
Nah, I’m just messing with you. I don’t have any wives or kids or anything crazy like that, although I do know a dude who claims he’s got like 10 children and five dead wives when he files his tax returns.
Then there’s my buddy Doug who married a chick he didn’t even know so they could file as independents on their FASFA. True story. It was either that or join the army. Price of tuition is no joke, bro.
Yeah, and I don’t work at a button factory either. In general, I don’t really do the whole nine-to-five thing. I was kicking it at Arizona State for a time, but Doug’s the only one who got through, friggin’ communications major. Who’s he kidding?
But before you get all judgmental on me, hear this. I’m a small-business owner.
A couple months back, me and Doug had one of those life-altering moments while getting baked on some truly insane Maui Wowie.
Doug was all, “What’s the one thing, bro, that like truly matters?” And I was all, “Whooaa.”
The next day we set up shop in Doug’s mother-in-law’s basement and started growing weed using what those in the biz call “nutrient film technique.” It’s so sweet.
Now we’re supplying to our old high school (Go Warriors!) and it’s pretty cool ‘cause I get to spend more time around there. I kinda liked school back then. The teachers were cool and, call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure some actually knew my name.
But as good as life is right now, I know the rest of the country’s hurting. Bush sucks, I know, but you gotta admit, the dude’s got some pretty sick balls for going into Iraq like he did. I say hell yes to anyone who’ll go to where Obama and the rest of those sand-sucking 9/11 terrorists live and stick it to them.
I know what the Dubya stands for in Bush’s name: Victory, baby.
So I guess there’s this election going on right now. I tune in from time to time. Far as I can tell, there’s an old mofo and a dude who looks like friggin’ Spock.
If it wasn’t for that sweet little piece of Eskimo MILF-ness, I’d say we’re seriously screwed.
So thanks, stupid parents and stupid parents’ friends, for making America suck. Luckily, there are cool dudes like me and Doug who’ll set it right again. Hell, it’s what Bush always said, that trickle-down thingy.
I’m just a small business owner living the American Dream.
I’m America, bro.
Email Rosie at rservis@asu.edu.
