No matter what age, marriage is always hard work. Coupling it with college, though, may seem like an unbearable strain. Meet two couples, one married and one engaged, who are not simply bearing it, but embracing their relationships.
The idea of marriage is sometimes the last thing college students have on their minds. But some ASU students have already received engagement and marriage rings before receiving their diplomas.
One student has already tossed her bouquet before tossing her graduation cap. Another student will wear a wedding dress before a graduation gown.
Some young married and engaged couples struggle with finances and finding a balance between work and school. But true love and commitment takes priority, and makes the day-to-day struggles worth it.
Heather & Jordan
Secondary education senior Heather Lange and primary education senior Jordan Doneskey have been married for two years. Heather kept her maiden name due to a scholarship renewal with ASU and hassle with paperwork for graduation.
Heather and Jordan had COM241 together their freshman year of college. Neither of them spoke a word to each other in class the entire semester.
They both lived in the dorms and would see each other on campus, but would never say "Hi" to each other.
Social networking Web sites prove to be a great resource to research and contact classmates. They also aid in the dating process.
"Facebook had just come out and he made an account just to find me," Lange says. "He then found my AIM screen name and asked me if I would ever go on a date with him."
Lange says their first date was pretty casual. "On our first date we drove around and hung out," she says. "We went to a 24-hour Wal-Mart and Sonic."
Jordan told Heather he wanted to marry her on their first date. She says she responded by telling him she didn't want to go on any more dates.
On the surface Heather and Jordan didn't seem like they had a lot in common. But, they had similarities in music and writing.
Heather says the couple met as journalism students and would both constantly write in journals. "We both loved the written word in general," she says. "It was a coincidence that we had both attended journalism conferences without knowing the other one was there."
Heather says the love of music was another aspect that brought them together. "Jordan was the lead singer of a local band when I met him," she says. "We were able talk about music and CDs and attended live shows together."
The couple dated for three months before Jordan proposed.
Heather says the proposal was as casual as their first date. "It was three in the afternoon and he turned to me and said, 'let's get married,' " she says. "And I said, 'OK. ' "
Both Heather and Jordan were 19 years old when they got engaged. They got mixed reactions from friends and family.
Many of Jordan's close friends did not approve of their engagement. Heather was a lot different from any of his friends and she says they thought she was changing him. "They thought I was changing him into a 'non rock 'n' roll kid,'" she says. "Debauchery would have to take a second seat."
Heather's friends were more accepting of their engagement. She claims she had closer friends that knew her well, while Jordan had more acquaintances who were not as accepting.
But people were confused in general by the motivation to get married while being poor college students.
The two say they didn't expect to marry at their age. Heather says marriage was a strange concept and the deepest form of rebellion.
"I didn't want to get married until I was like, 40," she says. "Jordan always does things to get a reaction out of people — the biggest reaction possible."
Heather says she was all about being single forever until she met Jordan, when the idea of marriage came up. She says she is happy with her decision, that she took it and ran with it.
"They say you know when you know," she says. "Attitude about life changes when the moment strikes."
Despite the mixed reactions from friends and family, Heather says there are some stereotypes that are beneficial. "People think you are more mature for your age," she says. "They see you as more stable."
Heather and Jordan planned the wedding all throughout their sophomore year of college. The process was hard and time-consuming and has not slowed down since.
Heather says they had to work hard for everything they have and it was their first taste of being busy all the time. She says time-management was hard in the beginning, but the couple keeps getting better at it.
While the couple was planning the wedding, Jordan picked up a full-time job in addition to being a full-time student. Heather took 18 credit hours and was a waitress at a diner.
Currently, Heather is student teaching and Jordan has been able to cut down his 60-hour work week to 45 to 50 hours. Although they are both pretty busy, the couple makes time for each other and makes it work.
"He keeps me pretty sane," she says. "It's nice to have someone to come home to."
Heather says the wedding was conventional, with a white dress and ceremony. She says it was pretty traditional considering they are not.
"I don't think we are a very traditional couple," she says. "We married early and weren't pregnant or religious."
Jordan says he sees the relationship in equal parts. "We don't have gender roles," he says. "We both go to work and will both raise the kids."
She says the couple is the epitome of "when opposites attract." Heather, who claims to be a bookworm and kind of a nerd, says Jordan got all his crazy college nights out when he was 16.
"I was basically ready to slow down a little bit when I was 18," he says.
Heather says she feels crazier now that she has met Jordan. He is one of her best friends, and she wants to go through all the craziness with him.
"I want him to be there the whole time," she says. "He's there for me when I fall."
Ashley & Beau
Women's studies junior Ashley Murray has been engaged to her boyfriend, Bonifacio "Beau" Alvarez, for a little more than a year. Ashley met her fiancé through a mutual friend.
The couple dated several months before getting engaged. It was the first serious, long-term relationship for both.
Ashley says she knew she wanted to marry Beau because of her belief in not dating a guy unless you plan on marrying him.
"I just knew," she says. "Right around the time he proposed to me, we had our first big fight."
Ashley says she was surprised when he proposed since they had their first big argument. "I thought he was going to break up with me," she says.
Beau asked Ashley if she wanted to marry him and she said "Yes" right away. Beau was surprised by how fast she answered.
He said he loved her enough and he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
Ashley never pictured herself getting married at this age, but she says she doesn't regret her decision.
"I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Beau," she says. "I have no regrets at all."
Ashley's parents were shocked when they heard the news. She says they were not as supportive as Beau's parents.
Ashley says Beau told his parents about their engagement way before she told hers. She says she had no idea how they would react.
"I was holding hands with Beau and told them," she says. "My parents gave me complete silence."
Ashley says her parents did not say anything for awhile, which made the situation really awkward.
Ashley says her parents were not only unsupportive of her engagement, but also of her major. Not long after, she says got into an argument with her parents because she refused to change it.
"I was in tears and told Beau to pick me up," she says. "That's when I decided to move in with Beau."
Ashley says she was really sad her parents weren't supportive at all. But, being away from her parents helped their relationship and they are happier for her when they do see her.
"Beau's parents were surprised," she says. "But they were very happy for us at the same time."
Ashley says all of her friends were very encouraging of the engagement.
"They were supportive in a sense that they were willing to help us out in any way," she says. "They knew how happy Beau made me feel."
Ashley says Beau is currently the one supporting the couple. She says his family and godparents are helping to pay for the wedding.
Ashley says she feels like she has not missed out on a college experience. None of her post-college plans have changed since the engagement, but it is harder because she has to support herself.
She plans on attending ASU for graduate school. Her fiancé plans to work full-time and is thinking about attending school for recording or graphic design.
Ashley says the couple always has financial concerns on their minds, but they are doing well so far on their own.
Ashley says they have had a lot of problems compared to most couples who have the support of their parents. She says it is difficult to get necessities, like a car, without any credit or a co-signer to rely on.
"A lot of places wouldn't approve us for a car," she says. "People don't really think about how hard it is to get something without credit."
If everything goes as planned, the couple will get married in October.
Ashley says people do not treat the couple any differently when they find out they are engaged. "It is just now, even more so than when we were dating, they expect us to look after each other," she says. "And really take good care of one another."
Insight from marriage experts
An ASU course many college students can benefit from is Courtship and Marriage. Sociology professor Carlos Valiente teaches the course and encourages all couples to go through a pre-marital counseling program.
In a pre-marital class, couples should talk about how to support themselves, separate from parents and handle major decisions.
Valiente says they should focus on expectations for marriage. "They should get to know couples who have been married a while, around 20 to 25 years, and talk to them about what they've done to make their marriage strong," he says. "Also, have them spend time with friends who are married to encourage and support a good marriage."
Valiente says every time a person makes a certain big life decision, certain things are left out. "Marriage is a lifetime commitment," he says. "It can be happiness and joy, but there is a lot of work to develop and maintain a successful marriage."
Sociology professor Debbie Tucker teaches another section of Courtship and Marriage. She says some important aspects that help determine the readiness for marriage are age, maturity, timing, motive for marriage, desire for exclusiveness, love and intimacy.
Tucker says preparation for marriage is essential for students who may want to make that commitment. "Some students' parents gave them a good preparation and model for a successful marriage," she says. "Others need more formal education, like pre-marital counseling."
Tucker claims research supports the effectiveness of marriage- education programs that provide couples with skills and knowledge needed in marriage. She surveyed her class and the majority thought that the dating and engagement period should last approximately two years.
Tucker says she thinks college students are not missing out on certain experiences by getting married.
"One thing to consider is the age of the student who is getting married," she says. "We have many non-traditional-age students on campus who may benefit from the support of a significant other."
Tucker says a successful marriage requires time and attention. Good marriages are created by concerted efforts to build companionship and maintain love and by showing genuine concern and care for each other.
"College students will be faced with additional pressures of school, work and a spouse," she says. "It's important to find a balance between these roles."
Finding the balance
Heather and Jordan have both taken into account the balancing act Tucker describes. Each of their lives have changed from being married to each other.
Jordan says marriage creates a different level of life experience.
"I feel like I grew up a little faster because of marriage," he says. "You have to adapt to taking care of someone else as much as you care about yourself."
Jordan says he had to be a little more in tune with scheduling. He says he thought a marriage would be debilitating toward his schedule, but it has helped him refocus and restructure his life.
"I do as much as I can with what little free time I have," he says. "It just forces me to be a little more focused and very little procrastination is possible."
Jordan says there are personal sacrifices to be made. "You have to take every daily chore and schedule and make it for two people instead of just yourself."
Like any marriage, there are ups and downs. Jordan says some of the main concerns the couple has are who will provide health insurance and setting up retirements.
"You must take a pragmatic approach, like going into business together," he says. "Pick something and go with it."
Heather and Jordan are married but still very youthful. Jordan says their marriage is functional and enjoyable and is always evolving and changing.
"We don't have a typical marriage, if there is such a thing," he says. "We are both very independent and it's sometimes like living with a roommate."
Heather graduates in May 2008 and has a full-time teaching job in the fall. Jordan graduates in May 2009.
They both focus on celebrations and graduations while trying to take things easy.
"There is constant maneuvering and shape-shifting until you find something that works," Jordan says. "We have more adapting to do in the future."
Jordan says they try not to stress out too much or think too far ahead into the future.
"We take it day by day," he says. "And that's what you have to do."
