Think of the five worst movies you've ever seen.
This could be anything from "Twister" to "Norbit."
OK, now combine all of the worst qualities of these five movies, put them all together and there you have it: Lindsay Lohan's newest flick, "I Know Who Killed Me."
"I Know Who Killed Me" starts simply enough, actually, it doesn't. The film is a disaster from the moment it opens with Lindsay Lohan as a go-go dancer. (The Lohan stripper scenes comprise a good 20 minutes of the film — reason enough for many of you to see this monstrous movie.)
Anyway, the film follows Lohan's character, Aubrey Fleming, a happy-go-lucky student who is abducted, tortured and mutilated.
But when Aubrey Is found — still alive — on the side of the road, things get a little crazy. The girl claims she isn't Aubrey, but Dakota Moss, a stripper from a different town. Trouble is, they're identical, and the police, her parents and a psychologist don't believe her.
Go figure.
What follows is a bizarre search for the truth. Is Dakota the long-lost twin sister of Aubrey, or is she seriously demented?
If writer Jeff Hammond and director Chris Sivertson stuck to just this plot, the movie would have been bearable.
But no.
Intertwined are scenes of an "Alice In Wonderland"-type mirror and a guy with a heart tattoo that momentarily stretches open to reveal eyes in his chest.
I know what you're thinking: "What the…?" Join the club.
The movie, billed as a crime/horror/drama mixture, was more funny than scary, and even more stupid than funny.
The only good thing that came from the film was Lohan's more-than-mediocre performance.
She was actually believable in her portrayal of more than one character (Aubrey and Dakota). Plus, it was fun to see her mutilated leg and arm. (The script often made her lack of limbs the butt of jokes … whether it meant to or not.)
One thing I take comfort in is the fact that script writer Hammond has only one listed work on Imdb.com, and that's "I Know Who Killed Me."
Hammond, put down the pen.
I give "I Know Who Killed Me" one pitchfork out of five purely for being so good at being so bad.
That takes talent.
Reach the reviewer at: tara.brite@asu.edu.
