As Heather Pride Week comes to a close, I feel it is only appropriate to end with Miller High Life Appreciation Day.
Did you know that original biblical translations often confuse "wine" with "High Life"? How about the little known fact that High Life is the sole reason the government repealed Prohibition? But most importantly, you should know that Chuck Norris actually sweats beads of Miller High Life, which are then collected and bottled for our crisp, cool enjoyment.
High Life is also a necessary additive of the roundhouse-kick boost that you can get at Jamba Juice.
With all of this completely factual evidence of MHL greatness, I took to the streets to find out the common student's opinion of the Champagne of Beers. Despite the diverse populace, to my chagrin the gushing river of positive feedback started off a little bit like a polluted stream of irrigation water, like the kind you used to swim in during your elementary years.
My first stop was outside the Computing Commons, where I hastily joined a group of prospective ASU students. Before I could raise my inquisitive hand and see just how many high-school seniors would own up to living the High Life in front of their parents, the Devils Advocate leading the barrage said, "I'll answer questions after the tour."
Dejected, I moved on toward the Memorial Union and found linguistics junior Lacey Bastman, who commented, "It is a beer."
Early education senior Jennifer Mitchell added, "I've never tasted it."
Bob Schectly, who asked only to be addressed as "resident D-bag," offered, "I'll drink it if somebody else buys it."
Feeling as if my heart had been stomped on, I proceeded to locate biology sophomore Anthony Segura. "What can I say about Miller High Life?" he asked. "It's the cheapest 40." Okay! My spirits started to lift.
English senior Chelsea Samuelson concurred. "I hear it's good. Maybe now that I'm graduating, I'll have more time for it."
I continued on my quest to spread the MHL gospel. On Hayden Lawn, I discovered that the angry campus evangelist of the day was also there to allow passers-by to know the true nature of heaven's most glorious gift, which I can only assume would be The Drink of Drinks. "They have a right to repent!" he cried first.
"You bet we do!" I yelled back, smiling.
"It is an abomination. Only Jesus can save you from Hell!" he continued.
"I think you mean Jesus and Miller High Life!" I added.
"There will be screaming and crying in this place of torment!" he concluded.
"Are you talking about Skip & Jan's Pool Hall?" I asked, but I don't think he heard me.
While it's obvious to me how amazing this frosty beverage truly is, I can tell that there's still work to be done. But I am left confident from the words of Jeff Maslowski, accounting freshman. When asked what he would do if stranded on a desert island and only given one bottle of High Life, he said, "I'd be a little mad that it would be gone in five minutes."
Right you are, Jeff. Oh, how right you are.
Heather Hull is a communications senior who doubles as the girl in the moon. Beer her at heather.hull@asu.edu.
