With elections coming up, people seem to be talking about tuition, the all-encompassing expansion of the New American University, or their irrational distaste for the University administration.
Fortunately, the most important issue regarding student life is not lost in the shuffle. I am, of course, referring to parking.
At first, I thought that maybe everyone was a little too concerned about the parking issue, considering parking could be multiplied many times over and still be dirt cheap compared to other schools.
I thought maybe we could cut back on the shortage of spots by charging people who lived close to the school a lot more money to park, so their lazy asses might be dissuaded from hogging spots from commuting students.
But then I remembered -- this is Arizona! Here in the desert, personal mobility is crucial. Our isolation from the rest of the civilized world has hardened us into rugged individuals who need our automobiles to prevent us from being tied down to society.
Because of this, we are all entitled to cellular telephones and MP3 players, amongst many other commodities.
Most importantly, we all have the right to park our cars as close as possible to class for next to nothing every day. It's bad enough having to go to class with a hangover on a scorching spring day; factor in the seemingly unending walk from Lot 59 and it becomes almost impossible.
Sure, the bus is an option, but seriously, who takes the bus? Just because we have the opportunity to get free bus passes doesn't mean we should use them. It's not as if I can put cutting down on traffic, reducing pollution and meeting interesting, random people on my resume. Not to mention the fact that taking public transportation requires waking up an unbearable 20 minutes early.
Bikes - why bother? You know that it's going to be stolen the second you forget to lock it when you stop off at the new Starbucks in the nipple on Hayden Lawn. Besides, they already have exercise bikes in the Student Recreation Complex, and you can get the exhilaration of the open road with a pocket fan and a video iPod.
I have heard some of my colleagues suggest that we use horses. This is the West, after all, and we are all rugged individuals. Horses, however, would unfortunately be completely impractical.
They frighten way too easily and they poop everywhere.
Long-boarders are enough of a hazard on Palm Walk - imagine a bro in chaps and a cowboy hat chasing you down on a giant animal instead of some guy in Etnies with a piece of wood.
No, I'm afraid we don't have any other option than to use the cars that we are planning to pay off with our nice jobs after finishing with college degrees.
And while we are running out of land to build new fancy-pants research buildings and dorms, why not knock over a few of the buildings that are set to topple anyway and drop a couple tens of millions on a new parking garage?
If we could get some disco balls and maybe the occasional foam party thrown in along with these new structures, that'd be great. With no new tuition hikes, please.
Ben is a journalism junior. You can tell him that you don't appreciate his sarcasm, why you deserve to drive your car to school, or why you think horses are superior modes of transportation, at benjamin.horowitz@asu.edu.
