Presidential candidate
Name: Bryce Underwood
Year and Major: Civil engineering sophomore
Position running for and running mate: USG President with Brad Smith
What do you think the job you are running for entails? I think the foremost duty of a USG president is to take themselves way too seriously. Sure the president can't do anything that the administration doesn't want, and sure most students can't even tell you who the president is, but at least they get to pretend that they are important. Aside from that I think being the president entails keeping up the illusion that student government matters and trying your best not to look like a tool.
What issues are you focusing on? The only issues that count: quality-of-life issues.
Now I'm not exactly sure what falls under quality of life but I'm pretty sure that it's important and that most people care about it.
I mean think about it, if someone asked you if you wanted a better quality of life how would you respond?
Whether fighting to improve the quality of life for ASU students means lobbying for a Segway co-op or setting up an on-campus massage parlor, I will try my best to spend the school's money on crackpot ideas before the administration inevitably vetoes my plans.
Why did you want to run for this position? To try to shore up my chronically low self-esteem by rising to a position of no real importance and milking it for all that it's worth.
What experience do you have? I was voted "third most likely to become a USG president" in my high school class.
Why are you interested in student government? I thought it was an acronym for something else. When I discovered my error I decided to give it a shot anyway.
In your view, what is the best thing that student government did this year? I was extremely proud of our student government when they successfully prevented the administration from enacting proposed tuition hikes.
The worst? When I discovered that the above was not actually true.
Where are you originally from? I was born in Ohio, but I moved around a lot because my parents were acrobats in the circus.
What do you like best about ASU? Palm Walk.
What do you dislike about ASU? The fact that with such small class sizes I never have the opportunity to ditch class.
What has been your favorite class at ASU? ECN 111. It inspired me to choose the major I did.
What's your ultimate career goal? To own the largest Yugo dealership in the country.
What do you hope to do after graduating? Start a Yugo dealership.
What are your hobbies outside of school? Halo, rock-climbing, and illegal gambling.
How many facebook.com friends do you have? How many do you actually speak to on a regular basis? I don't believe in the Internet.
Favorites
Movie: Wet Hot American Summer
TV Show: Thundercats
Book: Reefer Madness
Lightning round
Coke or Pepsi: Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke
Safeway or Fry's: Food City
Hollywood Video or Blockbuster: NetFlix
Vice presidential candidate
Name: Brad Smith
Year and major: Sophomoreish, computer science and political science
Position running for and running mate: USG VP, with Bryce Underwood
What do you think the job you are running for entails? From what I have heard — word on the street, so to speak — I have derived that the function of the VP is to run for office. This is something I consider myself well qualified to do; in fact, I think I have already satisfied all of the requirements of being VP as I am now currently running for the position.
Once in office, it seems that my largest challenge will be finding a way to spend the stipend. My running mate and I have some good ideas in mind, one of which being spending the semester in Amsterdam as a study of long-distance government. With the wonders of the Interweb and the invisible hand theory of governance, we think we can set a gold standard for distance governance.
Also, we promise that even though we're having a distance administration, we'll remain completely faithful to the students.
What issues are you focusing on? Our primary concern is the legitimacy of the USG. As leaders of the USG, Bryce and I will be first and foremost focused on enhancing the legitimacy of the USG in the eyes of the students. At this point in time, it's clear that the USG has a big legitimacy crisis, and we feel we're just the ticket (pun intended). One of the things we're planning, in an attempt to bolster the credibility of the elections themselves, is to challenge the other candidates to a Halo 2 match, in an attempt to focus the elections on an issue the students truly care about.
More seriously, however, we consider it a "travishamockery" that the people attempting to be the bastions of credibility and legitimacy (i.e., other tickets) are in fact, quite a bit more "full of it" than we are. Does any ASU student really believe that USG candidates run because they have some sort of strong desire to work 45-hour weeks in a position valiantly defending the position of the students in a futile attempt to prevent the steamroller of "the man?"
I certainly don't. I think something far more sinister is afoot, and this is why Bryce and I have commissioned a blue-ribbon investigative commission to get to the bottom of the real reasons that people are running. The initial results don't look promising; they seem to indicate strong desires for power, which is certainly not what one would expect from such upstanding members of our student body.
Finally, as representatives of the students, we feel it's the USG's responsibility to focus time and energy on issues that can be helped. For instance, one positive benefit of the USG's illustrious history is the insistence upon A+ grades in the new grading system. Sure the majority of ASU students didn't want plus/minus grading; however, there was nothing any student organization could do to stop it because the administration doesn't really have to answer to students. Instead of opposing it, and engaging in polemic drivel to express dismay, the USG instead lobbied to make the inevitable program more friendly for students.
A corollary is the example of the dreaded tuition hikes. I'm not sure if people have noticed, but despite the USG's best efforts, tuition has gone up every year in the past by considerable amounts. The USG tends to valiantly oppose tuition hikes with little regard for the fact that their desperate pleas do nothing. The USG is too busy complaining about the whole situation to instead focus on persuading the administration to at least ensure that tuition hikes have tangible benefits for students. I think it's important for the USG to get over themselves and realize that they can be a lot more productive if they lose their egos, and focus on goals that can be accomplished. That being said, however…
Why did you want to run for this position? Ever since I was a small child, I have dreamt of being in the spotlight. As a young boy, I took ballet and singing lessons in attempt to place myself in a position ripe for stardom.
It wasn't until the Wednesday prior to the due date of the intent-to-run material for USG that I saw a video of myself singing and dancing. Apparently, despite my many years of effort, I was no good at ballet and singing. In an effort to salvage a wasted life and some chance for stardom, my room/running mate (Bryce) and I decided to pursue our deepest ambitions, repressed from a very young age, to govern.
In the days between Wednesday and Friday of that week, my roommate and I devoured much literature regarding theories of governance and economics in an attempt to create a platform. We discovered that a good, heaping spoonful of Machiavelli mixed with an even bigger heap of Adam Smith's invisible hand would create just the right mix of sugar and spice, or from another perspective, an equilibrium between Sodom and Gomorrah.
What experience do you have? Singular? I'm not sure how to answer that. I have many experiences, ranging from unpleasant odor to unnatural physical positions. I've really seen all there is to see in this world.
As a budding young man, I had a younger, less budding brother, whom I certainly enjoyed bossing around. I feel that gave me great experience to "lead" the University in the right direction and "flog" those who "deviate" from my "desires."
As time developed, I got more and more into mastery of my surroundings, leading to a situation where I put two steering wheels in my car because of the illusion of greater control. That didn't work very well. Finally, I once read Robert's Rules of Order.
Why are you interested in student government? Because Facilities Management wasn't hiring student janitors and I need a job.
In your view, what is the best thing that student government did this year? I really liked it when student government stood up for good sense and morality by speaking out against ASU's prominence in Playboy. I was horribly offended to hear that Playboy had such a terrible plan, to defame the University via the slanderous images.
I'm glad somebody had the good sense to stand up for things that really matter, the things that hit the closest to our hearts, homes and pocketbooks. It was simply unacceptable for Playboy to have targeted ASU in its campaign smearing higher education everywhere.
The worst? Got elected. No, just kidding.
I don't have any strong preferences one way or another on this year's administration. If I had to put my finger on it, I think the worst thing student government has done this year is to oppose high textbook costs. Come on, I have no problem spending $600 on something I never use. In fact, I consider it a staple of my utility function. (Sorry, microeconomics creeping in. Unfortunately, it's just a buzzword and I have no idea what it means)
That and "making a difference." I'm uncomfortable with change, so when I hear people promise to do things like "make a difference," shivers shoot aggressively down my spine.
Finally, I think coming out against ASU student involvement in Playboy magazines was a horrible fumble. I am not a consumer of them myself; however, ASU has a gift, and that gift is worth sharing.
Where are you originally from? Tucson, Arizona. I lived there for approximately 548 days. I then moved to Phoenix with my lovely parents, where I have lived for approximately 6,400 days. I, however, hold a special place in my heart for Tajikistan, which I saw on a map at age 2,190.
What do you like best about ASU? There are a lot of choices at ASU, due largely to its stature as a very large university. Almost any person can study something they're interested somewhere at ASU. I also like the atmosphere, due also largely to the large number of (somewhat) diverse people.
What do you dislike about ASU? One of the things I disliked most about ASU was my ENG 105 class — not that the writing-programs teachers are idiots or anything. That being said, I certainly dislike the quality of some of the (especially) non-faculty teachers. I also am not a big fan of having to walk from one side of campus to the other in 10 minutes for a class.
What has been your favorite class at ASU? UNI 100. I think it prepared me for college life well, covering subjects such as party etiquette, ditching guidelines, drug & alcohol (ab)use and living with large numbers of people. Please note, I did not actually take UNI 100. This is based on second-hand information only.
What's your ultimate career goal? My ultimate career goal is to be the USG Vice President. It's what I've dreamed of since I was a child. If that falls through, I'd either like to become a professor of political theory and international relations, or a computer-science geek of some sort.
What do you hope to do after graduating? After graduating, I hope to become dictator of the world. May or may not actually pan out; I've got some good leads, but nothing definite.
What are your hobbies outside of school? Does "questionable behavior" count as a hobby? If it doesn't, I'm a big fan of long walks on the beach, cock fighting and composing poetry.
How many facebook.com friends do you have? How many do you actually speak to on a regular basis? I have precisely 115 friends on the façade publication. I refuse to speak with any of my friends, regularly or otherwise. I communicate with those on my "list" via physical actions only, and most of those physical actions are violent.
Favorites
Movie: The Big Lebowski or A Clockwork Orange or The Life Aquatic
TV Show: Arrested Development (Oh, how I lament thine death.) or Da Ali G Show or Wondershowzen (Is that even still on?)
Book: History of Sexuality, Michel Foucault; A Thousand Plateaus, Gilles Deleuze and Felix Guattari; The Iliad, Homer (only the Lombardo translation though).
Lightning Round
Coke or Pepsi: Coca-Cola Classic
Safeway or Fry's: Vons
Hollywood Video or Blockbuster: I'm not at liberty to discuss due to impending litigation.
Profiles compiled by Kristi Eaton. Reach the reporter at kristi.eaton@asu.edu.
