If you're like me, there are only a few things that could possibly make your life just a little bit better. One would be a DVD collection that actually outnumbers your VHS tapes.
Another would be the complete conversion of all Pabst Blue Ribbon followers to the Church of Miller High Life, where worshipping at the distinctively clear bottle-shaped altar eventually leads you to a life of good calls.
But still, there's nothing that completes a person's life quite like a digitally broadcasted State of the Party School address with your host, the good Dr. Michael Crow.
As reported in The State Press, the Office of the President issued its first in a series of weekly video communications that are available to view via podcast. And why podcast, you ask?
Look no further than the sound reasoning of Denise Quiroz, communications manager for the president's office. "There is a robust podcast community on campus that is growing rapidly," Quiroz said.
That's right, she called us robust.
Regardless of this obvious affront to our collective apathy, the real issue remains what, exactly, we will be seeing in these podcasts.
While officially they are supposed to discuss issues pertinent to students like meal plans, tuition, and parking, let me take you on a little tour of what I'd like to see:
The camera fades in to a dimly lit president's office, displaying a roaring fire and a large bearskin rug. Whether or not the president's office contains a fireplace or any type of animal rug is yet to be determined. But I'm willing to bet it does.
Anyway, the camera pans the room and eventually reveals a rear-facing President Crow. He is clad in a smoking jacket and matching ascot, swirling a snifter of brandy in his left hand while he strokes a randomly placed white cat with his right hand.
After noticing the camera, he quickly turns around and awkwardly greets his audience with an "Oh, hello."
The rest plays out similar to an episode of "The Continental."
With all of the commotion surrounding this new-fangled ability to watch Unkie Mike in action, I went out and about to check on the aforementioned "robust" community's sentiments.
Economics freshman Rob Queen does not plan on tuning in.
"I personally think Michael Crow's an idiot," Queen said. "The push for positive PR is admirable, but I don't think it's effective," he added, "because I still think he's an idiot."
Housing and urban development senior Adria Marquez had a slightly different take on the podcast situation.
When I asked if she was aware of the new wave of administrative communication, she furrowed her brow and asked, "Is that anything like a potluck?"
When I explained to her that a podcast was, in fact, slightly different from a potluck, she informed me that she might watch Crow after her novela was over.
Still seemingly confused, however, she went on to ask, "Is it like a collection of Mr. Crow's favorite songs?"
I attempted to explain once more, but mid-sentence she mentioned she had to go and interjected, "I just want to wish Mr. Crow the best with his potluck. Wait, what was it called again?"
So tune in next time ASU, when we're all invited to the potluck. But I call seat dibs on the bearskin rug.
Heather Hull is a communication senior whose Christopher Walken impression sounds more like Captain Kirk. Never get to hear it at heather.hull@asu.edu.