First off, get your mind out of the gutter. This column is at best PG-13, so don't get your hopes up.
With my final column of the semester -- and possibly the last column I write for The State Press -- I've decided to jot down my rants and ramblings, my predications and prophecies.
And if you were misled by the headline, feel free to take my pen and call me "homeboy."
Five years from now, LeBron James will be the leading vote-getter for the NBA All-Star Game ... as he plays for the New York Knicks; Carl Edwards will be the Nextel Cup Series champion; former Creed frontman Scott Stapp will headline the cast of "Surreal Life 12" with Chris Tucker and will eventually do commercials for Nationwide.
They will be joined by Tony Sinclair (the Tanqueray guy), Ty Pennington and Hilary Duff. Calista Flockhart and Lara Flynn Boyle will have an eating contest for the last spot.
"Boom goes the dynamite" will go down in the annals (again, mind in the gutter) as the phrase of the year and will soon be the name of my fantasy football and/or slow pitch softball teams.
Speaking of fantasy teams, I'm a little disappointed I didn't draft concert pianist Trey Wright in my last Scrabble fantasy league. I mean, hindsight's 20-20 and all, but taking Brian Cappelletto in the first round might have been a mistake.
After cooking a 16-pound turkey over the weekend with my roommate, my respect for my mom after 21 Thanksgivings has quadrupled.
Applebee's now has something called Sirloin Steak Toppers, which is basically a steak with all kinds of stuff on top of it. My idea -- a steak with another steak on top of it ... and sprinkles. And there's no way in hell I'm calling them "jimmies." I need to show some respect for my roots.
The Phoenix Suns must advance to the NBA Finals because there is no way I'm sitting through a San Antonio/Detroit matchup.
It turns out I was not successful in predicating the Great Mustache comeback of 2005.
Other predications: Bellamy Road will win the Kentucky Derby (but I reserve the right to change this if he draws a poor post position on Wednesday); the Baltimore Ravens (15/1) are my pick to win Super Bowl XL; I will never watch "Sandlot 2," which comes out straight to video today. And I guarantee someone will be shallowgraved -- a Fahrenheit 511 special. If you understood that last sentence, pat yourself on the back.
The Tao of Zow is the weekly column of assistant sports editor Jeff Hoodzow. If you have any questions, comments or rumors to report, please feel free to e-mail him at TaoofZow@gmail.com.