I had just secured a delicious Great Big One from the Hamburger Works. As I was sitting down at the fountain on Cady Mall to dig into the juicy sandwich, House Appropriation Committee Chair Jerry Lewis, R-Calif. leapt out of the bushes and snatched it away from me.
"Sorry, son," he said over his shoulder as he hustled away, "new deal. We've earmarked your burger for the waste disposal industry."
At first, I was totally pissed. But, as I sat there staring into the placid blue water of the fountain, it began to make sense, albeit in a flagrantly unfair way. This is what happens when you let a pack of handmaidens for big business operate without any opposition -- a "check," I believe those rascals who framed the Constitution called it.
Not only did Congressman Lewis snatch away my Great Big One, he and his fellow jackals on Capitol Hill are pulling the mother of all heists at the expense of the taxpayers.
A bill that passed the House last Thursday not only provided oil producers with a buffet of pork on which to feast, the 1,000-page opus opens Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling, cuts a break to those who violate the Clean Air Act, protects producers of the MTBE fuel additive (a well-documented carcinogenic pollutant) and earmarks what could potentially end up being billions of dollars to research drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.
The energy bill is expected to face fierce scrutiny when it reaches the floor of the Senate, but unless votes from Democrats count twice, I don't see too much resistance on the road ahead.
It's not the strong-arm tactics the Republican majority is using to fast track all their crappy legislation that irritates me. What chaps my hide are the snide little extras that the bill enables.
In my own humble opinion, nature sucks: clean air is way overrated, and who the hell cares what happens in the Gulf of Mexico? But that still leaves two issues that bug me.
The national average for a gallon of gasoline at the time of this writing was $2.28. Yet, in their infinite wisdom, the majority in the House felt it was appropriate to allocate billions of dollars in tax breaks and direct aid to the oil industry.
It bears mentioning that in the midst of these dark days of inflation at the pump, the oil companies are having a banner year as their profits have set record highs.
It makes more sense that those of us who are actually paying the outrageous prices for gas should be the ones who catch a much-needed break. Giving oil producers federal money outside of the profits they rake in hand over fist seems to follow the same logic as giving a Glock to a guy who knocks off Circle Ks for a living.
All the other things this cornucopia of misappropriation brings with it are not surprising when you consider the source. Right now, Congress has the spirit of a bunch of teenagers having a sleepover with the parents out of town. They play spin the bottle and sip wine coolers as accountability flies out the window.
That sucks pretty profoundly, but the second thing that has enraged me is my hamburger getting snatched away to provide an incentive for the waste disposal industry. The line at the Hamburger Works is insane, but well worth the wait. To have one right there, only to be taken from me -- it's just too much to bear.
Jerry Lewis, if you are out there, be warned. I'm on to you, my friend, and if I see you around I will make you my woman.
Arthur Martori is a journalism junior. If you have the energy, e-mail him at arthur.martori@asu.edu.
