In 1992, life as we knew it changed forever.
The Food Pyramid came out, showing us a food plan to which we could theoretically stick.
I remember reading about it in our health book in elementary school. The triangle was burned into my mind.
At the bottom were grains, vegetables, fruits and healthy stuff. It got a little better in the middle, where you could eat meat and dairy. Finally, at the top, one could eat glorious fat and sugar.
Ah yes, fat and sugar.
Like a mountaineer ascending Mount Everest, it was my goal every day to climb to the top of that peak and get me some of that greasy sweetness. I know that's not what the U.S. Department of Agriculture had in mind when its officials created the pyramid, but I preferred to think optimistically.
Perhaps most amazing to 21st-century culinary consumers is the fact that the pyramid encouraged eating about six (or more) servings of bread and grain per day. Most people today would rather eat live bugs and rotting fish carcass a la "Fear Factor" than eat a dinner roll.
But Associated Press reported Tuesday that the pyramid as we know it has ceased to exist. In its place is a new system of 12 pyramids, each designed to provide different options for different body types and habits.
Plus, the stacked food types exist no longer, and have been replaced by vertical bands running down from the top to the bottom.
The pyramids will be packaged in a public-relations smorgasboard that includes online diagnostic tools and information pamplets.
The new project amounts to customized health portals, allowing for greater personalization and less of an oversimplification of every single person's nutritionary needs. But I wonder if this is a wee bit complicated for the average Joe.
Think about it. Everybody knows what they should be eating. Such things are often green or marked with the words "whole" and "grain." You're not going to have someone asking you, "Which is healthier - this ice cream, or these Brussels sprouts?"
I liked the simplicity of the old pyramid. The new one makes me feel like I have to be some kind of pharaoh to use the pyramids. Granted, I'm pretty cool, but I'm no King Tut.
But on the other hand, the vertical bands have some advantages. First, they more accurately represent the idea that you shouldn't just eat a whole bunch of grains and skip eating vegetables until you're finished eating all that bread.
But more importantly, we can lose the triangular shape and choose something cooler, like a star or a peace sign. Democrats and Republicans can shape their food non-pyramids like donkeys and elephants, respectively.
This is starting to sound cooler every second.
I hold out some faith that the new pyramid system will make some sense eventually, and that it will accomodate America's serious case of carb-o-phobia.
So here's a toast to simplicity in the hopes someone will develop a nutritional system simple enough for this simpleton to understand.
In the meantime, I'll just have myself a slice of toast. With butter.
Nicole Saidi loves sugar. Loves it. And she has a figure to show for it. Reach her at nicole.saidi@asu.edu.
