They're back.
You've seen them -- with their "Seniors '05" T-shirts and cute Midwestern accents. They nervously clutch their ASU Bookstore bags and tell their parents to keep a minimum of 5 feet behind them.
No, it's not your own personal trip back in time. It's freshman orientation, and they just keep coming.
If you played the "I'm-a-high-school-senior-who-didn't-apply-anywhere-better-so-I-might-as-well-just-go-to-ASU" role like I did, you probably got hornswoggled into attending orientation, too. All told, that means you probably spent at least 50 bucks to zone out during lots of important, informative presentations about ASU while waiting to register for your classes, which surprisingly enough, you could have accomplished with a phone call.
Suckers.
While you come to grips with that reality, let me lead you on a little tour down Memory Lane. I'm supposing that while mooning over the thought of a catered lunch, you probably managed to listen to a few questions asked by your soon-to-be classmates.
In my position as a Student Orientation Leader, not only do I moon over the thought of a catered lunch on a daily basis, I also have unfettered access to eavesdropping on parent-student conversations and even fielding some questions. In this capacity, I am able to see what kind of students ASU is attracting and mete out the type of parents who support these collegiate neophytes.
And frankly friends, I'm laughing my J. Lo-sized derriere off in the process.
Perhaps you didn't attend orientation or you were just too hung over to remember the level of hilarity that ensued. While most orientation sessions are littered with typical questions like, "What if my roommate's crazy?" or "Is it true that 20 percent of Manzanita residents have an STD?" we occasionally get a few gems that sparkle even more than the personalities of those who ask.
The following questions are real. The names, however, have been changed to protect the idiotic.
Sammy Sun-Devil is one of the many who has asked the question, "Is ASU really considered a party school?" Oh Sammy, the depths to which you are out of touch borders on tragic. I know the Playboy rankings may be a few years out of date, but suffice it to say you don't have to go looking for the party culture here -- it will hunt you down like a rabid dog and put you out of your freshman misery with a 12-gauge of Miller High Life.
Randi Rushee spiced up the mix by inquiring about the geological formation of "A" Mountain. Well Randi, while I can't give you a specific answer, I'm willing to bet it's made of a type of rock almost as hard as the ground on which you were dropped when you were young.
Harry Honors-College was curious about the policy of punishment for on-campus altercations. While I found this intriguing enough on its own, I was more impressed that he then followed it up by relaying that he once snuck into a Kenny Rogers concert and didn't even know who Kenny Rogers was.
That's pretty rough Harry, because in not knowing Kenny Rogers, you missed out on some fine chicken-flavored items.
Though new students are responsible for many illuminating glances at the shallow end of the gene pool, parents are the ones who take the half-baked cake. It's not uncommon to hear, "How will I know if my son is keeping his room clean?" or "Is there a way to find out how many times my daughter takes a pregnancy test?"
But some really break the mold.
Mr. Alumni-Association once asked a female Orientation Leader if she would be interested in "showing his son around." Unfortunately he didn't ask me, because I would have responded with, "I have leprosy!" and then proceeded to throw at him the fake finger I store in my pocket for such occasions.
And Mrs. Model-Parent requested a broom so that she could sweep the ladies' room to find a lost acrylic nail and reapply it.
I don't even know how to respond to that.
I believe all of my time at orientation, however, can be summed up with a description of one incident.
Passing by a parent and incoming student, their conversation consisted of two simple words traded back and forth:
"Lifestyles!"
"Trojan!"
Blessed be the tie that binds.
Heather Hull is a communication junior that would be happy to show your new freshman "around." Reach her at the number on the mens' room wall or at heather.hull@asu.edu.
