Without the knowledge of ASU students or administration, a secret panel of experts was carefully chosen to develop a new code of conduct for the students at ASU. After some intense number crunching, long nights of research and more than a few Red Bulls and vodka, the panel suggested the following changes be implemented and put into effect immediately:
If a student chooses to exit a classroom before the professor releases the class, that individual is subject to a $1 exit fee.
Students are only allowed to leave the classroom through payment of said fee unless the student can otherwise provide legal and/or valid documentation of a justified absence (i.e. a doctor's note). The fee shall be collected by either a teaching assistant or a volunteer honors student, and all funds are to be directly handed to the professor of the class. Only cash will be accepted and no exceptions will be made.
Funds from the exit tax contribute to the Barrett Honors College, thus eliminating the $1,000 extra fee. Honors students must volunteer as doormen in at least one class in order to receive honors credit in all classes with a Footnote 18 contract.
Whether our athletic teams are nationally ranked or under-achieving and unlikely to make the NCAA Tournament, students are required to show their support and attend matches, games and tournaments whenever possible and/or affordable.
Each student must attend no fewer than two athletic events during the course of the year, (one men's event and one women's event) or said student will not be able to park any place but Lot 59 ... on the north side of Rio Salado Parkway. Athletes are required to attend at least one athletic event of another sport and of the opposite sex.
Gold or maroon shirts are to be worn at all activities and all events with UA must be sold out. Tortillas are to be thrown at football games.
Students must see at least one student production, concert or performance art of their choosing per semester. Performance art can include comedy shows, plays, recitals, ballets, etc.
Students shall retain proof of attendance and submit it to a box in the Lyceum Theatre. Students who fail to attend at least one performance per semester will be penalized with a liberal arts credit deficiency and must attend enough shows to equal the amount due plus one in order to recover the credit.
Participation in performance of any kind will be rewarded with priority registration for classes.
If a student's cellular device disrupts a professor's teachings, the student relinquishes ownership of the device to the professor.
Disruption can include a cellular ring, vibration or any audible sound that distracts the professor and/or fellow students. Professors can either destroy the cellular device in front of the class -- the most preferred method is the stomp -- or donate the phone to the University, which will use cellular proceeds to pay for additional parking.
Students can no longer complain about tuition increases until they prove active players in student government.
Each student shall attend at least one public forum, hearing or meeting to discuss tuition increases and/or budget proposals once a year. Also, if student government elections receive less than 20 percent turnout of the student electorate, the administration does not have to adhere to the student government's suggestions/demands.
All students upset with next year's proposed tuition increase are required to attend today's public hearing by the Arizona Board of Regents regarding tuition fees for the 2005-2006 school year. The meeting will run from 5 to 7 p.m. in Room 202 of the Memorial Union.
Until the following demands are met and adhered to, the University is to be renamed Apathetic State University.
Or is it already?
Ty Thompson is a journalism sophomore. Reach him and the expert panel at Tyler.W.Thompson@asu.edu.
