Those fabulous Brits have done it again. Direct from the country that brought us poor dental hygiene and the Spice Girls comes the alcohol vaporizer. The machine converts any spirituous liquid into a vapor, allowing it to be absorbed directly into the bloodstream through the lungs.
According to a stateside extension of the parent company, Alcohol Without Liquid: "One of the ways our body gets rid of the alcohol we drink is through the lungs, in our breath. AWOL simply turns that procedure around and lets the alcohol enter the body through the lungs -- thus eliminating the dreaded hangover."
Even without a scientific background, one has to admire the simple, elegant logic that these wizards utilize.
But, professor Stephen Williams of the chemistry department at ASU has the guile to challenge the brilliance of this assertion. He whines: "There's no way you could avoid a hangover by vaporizing alcohol since hangovers occur as a result of alcohol being present in the blood."
Well one thing is certain: Professor Williams has a Ph.D. in How to Poop a Party.
Let's look at it from an empirical, science-like point of view. A congregation of detached, impartial observers (the British) developed a brilliant marketing strategy. They simply observed us from afar and addressed our apparent need.
Let's be honest -- we all want to consume something, anything nonstop, every second of our lives, and we don't want to put much effort into it.
You might have heard this one before: "I really like the nuttiness of this stout," or "This wine is over 20 years old; it has a very distinct flavor." Utterances such as these are merely the mating call of those who are too terrified to be honest with themselves.
We all know why wine is so great -- it gets us ripped. Three hundred dollars a bottle paid to some snooty vintner in France or $2.49 to the clerk at the gas station -- the difference in price pays for an elaborate lie.
Other boozehounds in denial might argue that the fun lies in slowly consuming drinks in a social environment. But what could be more fun than sitting at a bar or club with a tube inserted in your oral cavity? That sounds like paradise to me. It would be like a cancer ward with techno music.
My sincerest hope is only that we extend into other aspects of modern life the philosophy that spawned this miracle. With all the scientists out there, twiddling their thumbs and "researching cures for diseases," someone must have a spare minute or two to synthesize a chemical that will provide the same sensation as having a family.
But why stop there? If wasted energy has to be spent on conceiving and birthing a child, we might isolate that child, so as to prevent it from expending any energy unnecessarily. We could place it in a state of suspended animation, and just stimulate its brain.
An entire virtual reality could be created so the child would perceive itself as living a life, while in reality being plugged into a giant bank of other human batteries to provide electrical power to a race of hyper-intelligent machines.
But, then again, a critical thinker might want to dust off the CD player, pop in the Spice Girls and ask himself the wisdom in following any behavior pattern from a culture that unleashed such a monstrosity upon us.
But, conversely, our civilization might have progressed this far through our steadfastness. Perhaps we need to spend just a few more years under the shadow of the old-fashioned way of consuming alcohol: swallowing it.
Arthur Martori is a journalism junior. Reach him at arthur.martori@asu.edu.
