It seems that so soon after the juggernaut was set in motion, the GOP has stumbled and the proverbial wheels have come off the cart. George W. has run too far, too fast onto the frozen lake of American politics and now looks desperately for a friendly face that might throw him a rope.
The Emperor to 'W's' Darth Vader, Dick Cheney has been in and out of the hospital in recent months, and I think we all know what's really happening within the party of the pachyderm. Cheney will be cut loose, like so much dead weight, to keep the regime from slipping under the black water, never to re-emerge.
Poor Dickie will be lucky if he is only fired. Looming over his head is the certainty of impeachment. When Cheney sleeps, his slumber is fitful; the phantasms of Halliburton, Valerie Plame and the spectral living dead from the board of Enron haunt his dreams.
I predict an ugly public trial resulting in the reinstatement of stoning as a means of capital punishment.
Unconfirmed sources report Dems scouring Capitol Hill for rocks with ideal heft and shape.
But Bush is no fool. Like most successful hunters, he knows that when a loyal dog has outlived its usefulness it must be quickly and mercilessly put down. But not before finding a replacement.
With Cheney's place in bed already growing cold, 'W' has set his sights on our own Arizona senator as a spooning-partner.
Unfortunately for Bush, the sworn nemeses of the current administration have spoken for John McCain already. Last Sunday, a courtship scene worthy of "Lady and the Tramp" took place in Baghdad on "Meet the Press."
McCain boldly made the first move declaring, "I am sure that Sen. Clinton would make a good president." The significance of the gesture was not lost on Clinton. When asked to return the compliment, she coquettishly replied, "Absolutely."
A recent Gallup poll -- based on interviews of 4,001 participants occurring between 2003 and 2004 -- confirms that Hillary has a legitimate shot at the presidency in 2008. Of those interviewed, 53 percent had a favorable view of Clinton. Her popularity rose with specific groups of women and younger citizens.
Placing McCain on the ticket with Hillary would unleash a monstrous, nonpartisan force on the 2008 political landscape. All of the holy water, prayer candles and faulty ballot-counting machines in the world could not come close to saving the GOP from extinction.
McCain has already palled around with liberal Sen. Joe Lieberman, co-authoring the Climate Change Bill. The senators reintroduced the bill Feb. 11 and expressed confidence in its passage, despite opposition from the Small Business & Entrepreneurship Council.
Imagine the spawn that might spring from the loins of the fair-minded McCain and sultry Clinton. They would not cry when they needed to be fed. Instead, they would gurgle "America the Beautiful" or the Beatles' "Here Comes the Sun."
Prominent fake-scientists predict that we would witness the first humans capable of flight and endowed with X-ray vision.
But I digress. Genetic implications aside, a bipartisan Clinton/McCain ticket would be just what this suspicious, divided country needs. Three more dark years may seem like too much to endure reasonably, but one only need imagine the reward to be uplifted.
A Clinton/McCain administration would bring about an end to hunger, poverty and the advent of world peace. We would see a heartfelt, public apology by Osama Bin Laden on Al-Jazeera, but we would still be forced to publicly behead him. After all, fair's fair. The seemingly incurable diseases that plague us would disappear and martinis would be served to people who waited in line at the DMV or post office.
I suspect that most of you share with me the anticipation of a child who cannot sleep on Christmas Eve. But we must give these two their space. They have a long and delicate courtship ahead of them. And the strength of our nation depends on it.
Arthur Martori is a journalism junior. Reach him at arthur.martori@asu.edu.
