Every year at about this time, I find myself ranting about Valentine's Day. This is a stupid idea for a so-called holiday, filled with silly rituals and excessive consumerism and... well, I'm not bitter. This is a holiday I'm learning to love.
Valentine's Day, in case you don't know, is a day on which naked babies are permitted to fly around and shoot people with arrows. Every other day, this is illegal.
Usually, people try to avoid getting shot with an arrow. But on Valentine's Day, people are encouraged to wear a giant target around their neck so Cupid, the pimp daddy of naked babies, can find them. Once a person is shot with an arrow, they are in love. (Hey, I don't make the rules here.)
Valentine's Day is named after one Saint Valentine, called a saint because he endured so many pricks from Cupid's arrows. One could say he was quite the "hottie" in his day.
But I don't think the whole arrows-and-naked-babies deal is the best part of Feb. 14. That designation goes to the Valentine's Day display at the grocery store.
I get a certain amount of joy out of going to the store and grabbing at the well-placed singing gorillas and dancing hamsters, causing them to sing in discordant unison. I can't resist.
"Squeeze me," the signs on their paws implore. "Touch me," their stomachs plead.
I know I can't be the only one who does this, because often I'll be in the next aisle when all of a sudden, Alvin the Chipmunk's cousin starts busting out an old Elvis Presley song for about 30 seconds. You will never actually see anyone squeezing the toys, but forensic examination of the toys' limbs often reveals evidence of large amounts of customer squeezage. I think it's time for the toy squeezers to come out of the closet and admit their habit.
It's all in good fun. Other perks of the holiday include plentiful stocks of candy everywhere and Spongebob SquarePants valentines. You know, those tiny little valentines that you buy in a box.
Every former elementary school kid nowadays probably can recall having to buy valentines for their whole class--even Icky Ian and Yucky Yolanda.
The tradition stopped for a while during middle and high school, and restarted when I started living in the dorms at ASU. Students would hang familiar little heart-shaped buckets on their doors, and candy would magically appear. That begins to confirm my suspicions that college really is a regression back to childhood. Or dorkhood.
Today, I am a single girl trying to find a naked baby with mad archery skills. So I want to send one of those nifty "shout outs" to all the single people out there and maybe a few more for the not-so-single crowd, too. Eat chocolate and be merry.
Oh, and squeeze a gorilla for me if you get the chance.
Nicole Saidi makes no guarantees about the historical accuracy of this column. Send her a shout out at nicole.saidi@asu.edu.