Extra! Extra! This just in!
Check out this Associated Press scoop: Binge drinking rates are higher in the Midwest and Great Plains!
That's right, a federal government study has determined that people in the farm belt drink more than the rest of the nation. Even though Jiminy Cricket is always chirping at me to stop being judgmental and perpetuating stereotypes, one must acknowledge that the Midwest is typically associated with boozing and such.
Why anyone might be surprised, or why this study is such big news, is beyond me.
To go along with the aforementioned big discovery, the Sherlock Holmes wannabes behind the study also found out that people living in Utah are among the least likely to drink alcohol. Well, yeah.
It's not that alcohol use and abuse isn't a crucial issue, but it's time these statisticians and bean counters studied something more interesting, like the spatial distribution of In-N-Out Burger establishments. That's something many people might just shell out higher taxes to fund.
I find myself flipping through news story after news story, and it really is one of those slow news days on the national front in terms of humorous material. So consider the following interesting tidbit:
Oregonians also have a lower rate of alcohol use. But they also showed a high rate of leafy-green-substance use compared to other states. According to the study, nearly 9 percent of people older than 12 years of age had used marijuana in the past month. The state allows medical use of the drug.
But even Oregon can't top New Hampshire, which was the king of Pot without any such medical marijuana law. A 10-percent slice of the population said it recalled a smoke session in the past month, according to the study. People in that state don't need silly laws to get their dope on.
So now we know New Hampshire is where all the fun is. And thus we know the real reason why the New Hampshire primary election is so important for politicians.
Oh, but they don't inhale, do they?
The only particularly mysterious finding in the study is why people in the South are also known to drink less. I doubt that one could say that during Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
Well maybe tomorrow there will be some more-entertaining news. Until then, keep using your common sense. Time to log off before this essay rambles further.
Nicole Saidi is the editor in chief of the ASU Web Devil. Reach her at nicole.saidi@asu.edu.
