You're broke. She has a microwave. It's a match made in heaven.
From Hayden East to Adelphi, The 53 House to Councilwoman Barbara Carter's neighborhood -- living is expensive. Barring Sultan of Brunei-esque wealth, there is most likely a time in all of our college careers that involves sharing a roof, a room and even a toilet with someone we have never met before. Or even worse, someone we actually know.
As fun as spending your lessee lifespan with someone else can be, there are always issues that arise which threaten the sisterly/brotherly/purely carbon-based relationship on which you have established a rent schedule.
Perhaps you've noticed your roommate's cologne and a random chili spot on your favorite dress shirt, or your new stilettos have been tracked through something that can only be described as mung.
Maybe her boyfriend stops by just to eat your refrigerated leftovers and you swear that the Conan O'Brien shrine for sale on eBay is an exact match of the one in your room.
Being the perfect cohabitant, you always give them the benefit of the doubt; however, you do think they should be more careful while smoking around whatever it is they're mixing up in the bathtub, not to mention at least offering to replace all of the burnt spoons.
I'm sure these situations are familiar to you. If you feel alone in your struggle to overcome turf tension, I can wholeheartedly assure you friend, you are not.
After extensive research (having coffee at Charlie's) involving many willing participants (eavesdropping on one girl's conversation with her friend), I have scientifically determined (totally guessed) that all students have some form of agitation in their living situation (whines about it to whomever might be listening).
From my thorough analysis (again, totally guessing), I have determined countless (seven) truths that apply to everyone in a shared collegiate sphere.
When you're around, your roommate chews extra loudly just to annoy you. You may have previously thought this was just a flaw in individual mastication, but it's quite purposeful. Contrary to popular belief, you are the center of his universe and he is willing to do anything to irk you beyond imagination.
She ascribes to the idea that just because music is played on the radio, it must be good. This explains the incessant blaring of "Evanescence," the new "Green Day" album and anything that even remotely involves Scott Stapp.
He is using your Facebook profile to send stalker-like messages to the cute girl in your Fossil Hominids class. So, while you have no idea who she is, she thinks you want to take pictures of her socks on your feet. Good luck solving that one without involving DPS.
A cult brainwashed her and has been copying your apartment keys, passing them out on Mill Ave. and encouraging others to find sanctuary in your living room. She's looking for motivated people like you to join her.
He is hooking up with your girlfriend while you are out of town/in class/asleep in the next room/sitting on the other end of the couch because you are the only person who thinks "The Maker" is actually worth paying attention to.
She hates you for being more attractive than she is, or she follows you around because you are more attractive. There's really no way out of this one, because face it: you're always prettier than your roommate.
Finally, he obviously wants to kill you. Period.
Given all of this, you still have to deal with them. But, look on the bright side. It's almost always your roommate who keeps you from drinking that fourth Sam Adams and going home with a poker-playing pool shark. And for that you owe them dearly. Or at least bring home some Miller High Life.
Heather Hull is a communication junior who is sure her roommates hate her now. Reach her at heather.hull@asu.edu.
