You probably chose ASU for the weather, the world-renowned programs and the fact that your orientation leaders were nice. You're still hanging around because of the parties, the readily available Miller High Life and the fact you don't want to lose that prime real estate on Lemon and Terrace. Perhaps, like me, you've stayed for one more reason: possibly meeting a campus celebrity.
When most people think of the "campus celebrity," images of Superfan Phil Root, Undergraduate Student Government President Sophie O'Keefe-Zelman and the man himself, Dr. Mikey C appear. But in case you didn't realize it before, there are so many more individuals that make up the ASU A-list.
First off, there's the obvious crowd of high-profile athletes, otherwise known as the People-Whose-Time-In-College-Will-Undoubtably-Be-Better-Than-Yours-In-Every-Way Club. I'll never forget the time I saw Emily Westerberg eating at Manzy Square or when I chased Kevin Kruger through the MU screaming, "I'll bear your children!" And by the way Kev, the offer still stands. As does that restraining order.
Next up we've got our fearless bunch of rag-tag administrators, or (as I like to call them) the lost members of the Village People. Seeing Kevin Cook walk the campus is so exciting that I have to run home and take a shower in frigid water.
Watching Milton Glick walk up the parking structure steps in a giant rancher hat warms the cockles of my heart to such an extent that I forget he made it mandatory for all students to show up to final exams. Unkie Milt, you're such a card.
Some of the favorites are the performers of ASU's comedy troupes. The brave souls of Barren Mind Improv and the Farce Side Comedy Hour spend hours each week finding various ways to embarrass themselves for the sake of humor, and for that I thank them.
I usually show my gratitude by scheduling my classes around their show times and stalking each member through use of Facebook and personal surveillance cameras placed strategically around campus. I also bombard them with meaningless and annoying questions when they "coincidentally" come to speak in my classes.
At this point, you might be saying to yourself, "I don't go to see the comedy troupes, I don't have time to follow ASU sports and I can't stand upper-tier employees or Residential Life." My respective responses to these comments are "you must," "you should" and "right on brother/sister/both: let's get them in the crosshairs and take them down."
Regardless of time commitments and personal sanity issues, there are still a number of folks on campus who you might know, even if you think you don't.
Take for example the nice lady at Sub Connection who always tells you the mints are free. Or maybe the extra insensitive ultra-conservatives who come to Hayden Lawn every spring to tell you that you're going to hell because you're a woman wearing pants, and everyone knows they have the unfortunate drawback of obstructing babies from shooting out like bars of soap.
Perhaps you're familiar with the group of orange-vested construction workers taking up space at the College Street Deli, who stare blankly at the new Foundation Building as if challenging it to finish itself.
And what about the Pita Pit delivery mobile? It's not exactly human, per se, but seeing that mid-'90s Corolla wagon drive around always gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling.
I hope now you'll start to notice that ASU is not a gargantuan institution full of nameless faces. You can rejoice that even though people will never know who you are, someone who does something as trivial as write her own columns will be celebrated by all.
Or at least that's what I tell myself.
Heather Hull is a communication junior. Reach her at heather.hull@asu.edu.
