For years, Bob Eubanks made new brides blush with the intimate questions he asked them on "The Newlywed Game," which ran on ABC for more than a decade.
"Where is the most unusual place you and your husband have ever made whoopee?" he once asked a female contestant.
She responded, "That would be up the butt, Bob."
While the bride completely misunderstood the question, the answer was nevertheless informative and gave the audience an interesting look into one couple's bedroom.
For this week's edition of "Sexual discourse," we wanted to give our readers a look into an ASU couple's bedroom. We decided to find a couple on campus and test one partner's knowledge of the other's likes, dislikes, turn-ons and other sexual preferences.
So how much does psychology freshman Kai von der Lancken really know about her partner, art freshman Lauren Huesmann?
Read more to find out.
Couple: Art freshman Lauren Huesmann and psychology freshman Kai von der Lancken (Yes, that is her real name.)
Found: Snuggling outside the Memorial Union.
How they met: "She sought me out," von der Lancken says with a laugh.
Relationship length: Four months and counting.
OK, folks, it's time to play "You Don't Know Me." Here is your host ... er, me.
SPM: Lauren, if you were going to put on some music to trigger "the mood," what would you play and why?
Huesmann: Lydia. We're obsessed with them. They're a local band here ... I'm emo, and I listen to really emotional music.
SPM: What's the strangest place "it" has ever happened with you and Kai?
Huesmann: (I would like to have "it" happen) somewhere on campus. We don't get out much. There's a little secret garden. That's my best guess.
SPM: On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your partner's sexual performance.
Huesmann: Probably like a 9. Sometimes she gets a little rough.
SPM: Same question, only this time, rate your own performance.
Huesmann: I'd rate myself an 8 or a 9. I'm usually really sensitive. I know when to stop. I think about what she wants.
SPM: How many times a week do you and Kai get busy?
Huesmann: We were just apart for winter break. So, like every other day, three times a day.
SPM: How kinky do the bedroom escapades get on a 1-to-10 scale?
Huesmann: I'd say an 8. We usually don't use toys or role-play. When it gets boring, I will [use them] to keep things interesting. At this point, we're really interested in each other, so it doesn't matter.
SPM: Would you be interested in bringing a third party to bed if it didn't get weird?
Huesmann: No, I've already gone through all that. I've experimented and I'm not into that.
SPM: What's your favorite part about sex? Foreplay or climax?
Huesmann: Foreplay. That can usually last a while longer than sex. You can build up to sex. It's more intimate with your partner; you're not just trying to get them off.
SPM: Do you fake it?
Huesmann: With guys I do. Not with her. This has been different. I feel a lot better with a girl. Not as used, I guess.
Good answers. Now comes the tricky part.
Once Huesmann is out of earshot, von der Lancken comes over, fairly confident that she will ace this little test. Remember, von der Lancken is replying to the questions with answers that she thinks her partner has given. After each answer, we have given her a score between 1 and 10 based on accuracy.
SPM: If Lauren were to pick an album that would set the "mood," what would she pick?
Von der Lancken: Let's say something emo. The Flaming Lips.
Score: Five out of 10. She got the genre right, but not the band.
SPM: What's the strangest place Lauren says you two have gotten dirty?
Von der Lancken: Probably our friend Taylor's truck. We were parked underneath Tempe Town Bridge.
Score: Ten out of 10. Huesmann misunderstood the question before; she thought the question was, "In what strange place would you like to hook up?" After re-asking her the real question, Huesmann's answer matches von der Lancken's.
SPM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how did Lauren rate you as a sexual partner?
Von der Lancken: Ten, because I'm good.
Score: Nine out of 10. She was close.
SPM: How would you rate yourself?
Von der Lancken: I'm a 10.
Score: Whoops. We asked her the wrong question. Our bad. For confidence, she gets a 10.
SPM: How many times a week did Lauren say you two have sex?
Von der Lancken: Between 30 and 40 times a week. We have sex like five times a day.
Score: Seven out of 10. Her answer actually isn't even close, but let's bump her up a few points for her admirable sexual appetite.
SPM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how kinky does Lauren think your sex life is?
Von der Lancken: Probably like a 7. I, uh, have used sex toys and handcuffs.
Score: Nine out of 10. She was only one point off.
SPM: Would Lauren say she would be interested in bringing a third party to the bedroom?
Von der Lancken: No, because she's already done that and didn't like it.
Score: Ten out of 10.
SPM: What's Lauren's favorite part about sex? Foreplay or climax?
Von der Lancken: Definitely climax because, I don't know, I make it good.
Score: Zero out of 10. Good answer, though.
SPM: Does Lauren fake it?
Von der Lancken: She has faked it. Twice. She told me. We have a very open relationship.
Score: Ten out of 10. Her answer doesn't match Huesmann's, but it seems as though Huesmann fibbed. Too bad we can't dock her points.
Out of 100 points, von der Lancken got 70. As the old saying goes, "Cs get degrees." Good job, ladies, and good luck to you.
And thanks to you, the reader, for staying with us for this episode of "You Don't Know Me." We'll see you again soon.
Reach the reporter at erika.wurst@asu.edu.
