Gather 'round everyone. Take a look at this semester's exotic collection of columnists. We've added a few new faces and retained others (mostly ones that made the least amount of mess in their cages).
I am ringleader Darren Todd, opinion editor to the stars -- at least, stars of the opinion pages. As a graduate student teetering between Victorian and Renaissance literature, I am the guy who organizes the enlightening and highly educational forum that is the editorial section. Or, if you think opinions belong in newspapers about as much as snow in a file cabinet, then I am the one moderating the other side of the news -- events campus and worldwide. The stuff that makes you wonder: "Why is this important?"
Well, despite the opinion section's comfortable slot somewhere after Page 3, I hope to guide my columnists to address issues you might not read about otherwise. Perhaps a comic approach will spark your interest, or a biting opinion counter to the usual watered down attitude.
Perhaps the freedom to provide feedback and express reader comments in the Letters to the Editor and TalkBack will draw your eye. It may be the slight chuckle you get from flipping to the editorial cartoon before your professor starts his not-so-humorous lecture on wealthy dead guys.
Whatever the case, step right up and judge my columnists for yourself: stroke their egos with your weekly compliments or deflate them with opposing evidence or witty retorts. Just don't stick your hands in these pages unless you want to rethink the spring's events, open yourself up to laughing or crying over the state of affairs on campus and beyond. But more than anything, don't rub them under the chin -- read these pages and scratch your own chin.
I present them in the order in which they'll write -- barring mid-semester extinction. Oh, and considering their meager pay, feel free to feed them if you are so inclined.
Arthur Martori has had his brain slowly stewed by the Arizona sun. He can most likely be found patrolling the sidewalks and gutters of the East Valley for cigarette butts or half-eaten sandwiches.
Citizens who approach him should be prepared for a tirade of logically unsound nonsense, driven by either a left- or right-wing point of view, depending on which aspect of his savagely schizoid personality is in control of his mind on that particular day.
A member of the Libertarian and Socialist parties, Arthur can be heard screaming accusations and insults at himself long into the night.
He also enjoys cycling and watching movies.
Born behind the Iron Curtain, for this breed of political science and journalism sophomore, fighting oppression and pushing boundaries are a part of her heritage.
Through her bold choice of topic matter and use of sexual innuendo, she takes pride in providing readers with advice on gender relations. Though her personal dating approach can be best described as a bad case of error and trial, she is a hopeful romantic who strives to let her personal mishaps translate into entertaining (yet informative) columns.
Lucia Bill sees no contradiction between being a serious student and retaining a playful attitude toward life -- listing laughing, listening to Hilary Duff and eating IHOP crepes as some of her favorite pastimes.
Although the parent species of this cunning specimen originates from Hong Kong, Lily Yan has been bred and raised within the sunny desert habitats of Arizona. Consequentially, Lily is not a cold-weather creature, yet she plans to flock to Chicago to pursue her dreams as a journalist after finishing college and serving her country in the Navy Reserves. (That is, if she isn't forced to migrate to Iraq).
As a natural-born predator, Lily devotes ideal afternoons to her all-time favorite pastimes: prowling for sales at the mall and eating.
While commonly thought of as quiet and obedient, don't let the friendly facade trick you: Lily can get ferocious when her deeply rooted, complicated beliefs are threatened.
This subject appears to belong to the genus homo, but his exact species has yet to be determined. He responds to calls of Chris, Christopher or Davis as well as various combinations of the three.
The subject demonstrates the ability for coherent speech, but sounds strange due to his upbringing in the Southeastern region of the United States.
The subject has attained the level of senior in this University's anthropology department and shows an intense interest in human evolution. He possesses no religious beliefs, but markings found in discarded notebooks indicate the presence of rudimentary symbolic culture.
When confronted, the subject is fearless to the point of stupidity but cringes in the presence of tartar sauce and mimes.
Known for long hair that falls out of place as soon as there is a gentle breeze and a hard name with a pronounced "j" -- Nishant Bhajaria gets noticed for unintended reasons. People wonder how this fascinating breed of computer scientist can write in English, let alone write well.
Using his skills of adaptation, however, Bhajaria believes writing becomes easier when used as a medium to vent anger engendered by dysfunctional programs. Past victims include everyone from Tempe drivers, parking services, Ralph Nader and people who always think they are right.
To keep him from hacking your computer and taking it hostage, become the second person on his list of admirers.
Currently a guest of the United States, this Canadian breed has a life history that would make most Army brats shudder. Chris Guelpa has divided his 21 years between three countries, one college, three universities, 15 cities and 40 homes. Consequently, Chris has what the psychological community refers to as an "attachment disorder."
To cope with this issue, Chris heavily self-medicates. This level of medication, however, lends itself well to journalism, in which Chris is currently finishing a degree.
His medication and personality disorder afford Chris a different perspective on a variety of topics ranging from world politics and pop culture to why he cannot seem to find a date on Friday nights.
Bess Stillman migrated from New York to Arizona 15 years ago but spent enough time in the city to do permanent damage to her sense of humor. She is a biochemistry senior with an English minor.
In her spare time, Bess is a ballroom dancer, writes short fiction, plays classical piano and polishes her medieval weaponry. Intelligent and versatile, Bess has worked in ASU labs with biohazardous materials, as a tutor in Manzanita Hall and moonlighted as a wedding/bar mitzvah entertainer.
Comfortable to have secured a safe, respectable habitat at The State Press as a photographer and biweekly columnist, look to her column for topics such as sex, politics, local life, lust, murder and revenge.
Native to Arizona, Ty Thompson (or procrastinatus lotsus) is most known for his cute, furry tail.
He is a peaceful creature with a sharp tongue and a musical ear, but also has a set of dangerously deceptive fingertips that can be used to caress a pen with a good, sticky grip.
With a mind for journalism and a heart for creative writing,
Thompson explores politics, social issues and funny outdoor smells. Thompson is an aspiring ultimate frisbee champion who can throw a rock really, really far.
The sophomore is also sensitive, crying when ASU lost to UA in football -- Ike, please make his hurt go away.
A native of the Phoenix metropolitan area, Macy Hanson spends his days playing "High Heat Baseball" on Xbox -- enjoying a rich diet of coffee and Lucky Charms.
On campus, Macy can be spotted in political science and philosophy courses. Rumor has it that these majors were chosen to "meet some fine mates."
Unfortunately, Macy's Plato-based pickup lines have had little success in attracting members of the fairer sex. Macy hopes to attend law school after graduation, assuming most of his life will be spent in court anyway.
The opinion pages will serve as a forum for Macy's thoughts on cultural and political issues and his dream of the Arizona Cardinals winning a Super Bowl.
Native to Saudi Arabia, Yaser Alamoodi returns as the token minority voice to disrupt the peace. As a professional student, he is majoring in political science and religious studies, with a collection of minors and certificates.
Intellectually maturing in the United States, he has unique bicultural perspectives on issues from identity politics to falafel sandwiches. Yaser assumes a provocative style of written communication, believing in the power of irritation to stir people's minds.
He hates airports, pets and "morals." Conservatives wish he would die, though some of them came to his parties, smoked his hookah and left unharmed.
Nomadic by nature, Yaser promises to take his readers to the Promised Land and leave them there wondering. He is FBI-approved.
From the wild, western edges of Phoenix, you can spot this 5-foot tall Mexican-American female taking refuge in the town's most caffeinated corners.
This carefully chosen habitat appeals to the species' anxiety-filled conscience, also allowing Rosie Cisneros to take misinterpretations of junior class political science discussions to places where she can publicly offend people with her Thomas Friedman obsession.
Naturally declawed through nervous habits, this creature makes up for her lack of physically threatening traits by spewing out a defensive layer of biting sarcasm topped with pathetic humor.
If attempting contact with this creature, steer clear of overdone Catholic-bashing jokes and short jokes. Originality, on the other hand, may get you brownies.
To observe the majestic beauty of Stephanie Berger, you need only find her in her natural habitat, which includes any location on campus that sells high-priced Starbucks beverages.
This domain allows Stephanie to continue her delusion that she is an artsy, worldly creature. Filled with caffeinated enthusiasm, this easily approachable breed will gladly engage in discussions about politics and pop culture.
Beware, though, as any mention of Iraq, Paris Hilton or Residential Life will start this specimen howling. Originating in north Scottsdale, Stephanie has rejected her pack and much prefers journalism to J. Crew.
Either cheesy romantic gestures or cheese-covered Filiberto's will serve as excellent bait to capture this creature. Though truly she can never be tamed.
Solitary, aggressive and always dangerous, Vic Vela is a journalism graduate student quickly angered when asked about school accreditation issues.
He has written for The State Press as a sports reporter and opinion columnist for the past three semesters.
Gifted with a remarkable sensory system and seductive and agile advances toward his political prey, Vic largely feeds on chipmunks, opossums, rats and the Christian Right.
Seeing beyond the mammal's sharp tongue and venom may be difficult for some, but the absence of arch-conservatism in government can promote a very docile demeanor.
Expect little leniency toward media spin-doctors and immediate reaction to the inevitable dishonesty of figures in any position of power.
This enigmatic creature (scientifically, Hullus incredios) is nocturnal in nature, emerging into the light of day only to study Hebrew and women's history.
A true communicator at heart, this beast spends time orienting new inhabitants to the campus jungle and carrying the unnecessary weight of a sousaphone at tribal mating rituals -- otherwise known as ASU football games.
Upon further discovery by researchers, it appears this mammal has crafted her existence after Rushmorian ideologies and the continuous search for Miller High Life.
Recurrently hiding by the copy machine in the Nursing building, however, Heather Hull poses no threat to others as she has only been observed lightly scratching her prey and then avoiding them afterward for as long as possible.
Brigham Kerr is an art senior with a drawing major, making keen use of versatile fingers and opposable thumb. Deter-mined to apply his craft, he is trying to get into nursing school so he can afford to be an artist.
This elusive creature was once thought a myth among natives, seen for many years wandering campuses around the Southwest; no one knew for sure if he really existed. It was rumored he migrated from northwest Pennsylvania in the late '90s, but such reports are unconfirmed.
Kerr will be caught and tagged this semester and forced to graduate, "or we leave that radio collar on till he chokes to death," claims one official.
If you should see him in his natural state -- trancelike and mildly disturbing -- (drawing "artsy" objects like moldy bread) approach with caution, as he is liable to ask you to become an art subject.
Watch for comical pokes and thoughtful insights in his cartoons and comic strip.
