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Straight to video


"Straight-to-video" movies are those films so lacking in quality they completely bypass theaters, destined only for Blockbuster shelves or HBO filler. As real Hollywood has its Mel Gibsons and Tom Hankses, so too is there a hierarchy of straight-to-video royalty -- once-famous actors who have fallen on hard times and now pay the rent by starring in rentals. What actor stands alone as the biggest fish in this small pond? Careful scientific research has concluded that only three consecutive screenings of three recent straight-to-video offerings can determine who is ... The Straight-To-Video King!

Armand Assante first came to big-screen prominence in 1978 as Sylvester Stallone's brother in the film "Paradise Alley," a role he echoed 17 years later when he played Stallone's evil clone in "Judge Dredd." But since then, Assante's career trajectory has sent him gradually careening for video shelves, with his name as the punch line to a throwaway joke in "The Santa Clause": a rare bright spot in a slowly sinking career.

And it truly doesn't sink lower than "Partners in Action," a painfully inept movie featuring Assante as a wrongfully accused ex-cop on the run from corrupt police. Assante's performance is ... well, there's a certain tragedy watching an actor known for his hammy performances trying to pull off playing a laconic straight man, although he earns extra points for an extremely rad ponytail.

Winning moment: Assante bonds with his kid sidekick by declaring, "I don't need you acting like a carbuncle on the crack of my ass!" Beautiful.

Christopher Lambert is famous to any geek worth his salts as Connor MacLeod of the clan MacLeod from the '80s cult hit "Highlander" and its several less-than-stellar sequels. Trivia: This shakily accented actor suffers from acute myopia, accounting for his trademark "what am I looking at" gaze. Since his career-defining "Highlander" role, Lambert's biggest theatrical highlight was fighting ninjas in 1995's "The Hunted." We should all be so lucky.

In "Absolon," not the first or last of Lambert's straight-to-video outings, he also plays a troubled cop on the run from corrupt officials, but this time in a dreary, disease-ravaged future. Co-starring bonus B-list headliners Lou Diamond Phillips and Ron Perlman, "Absolon" is one Bruce Campbell short of having the best cast ever. But whereas villain L.D. Phillips spends the whole movie looking pissed that his guest spot on "24" didn't revive his career, Lambert tries his best to pretend he's in a real movie, instead of a limp and derivative futuristic "thriller." "Absolon" fails, but Lambert rocks.

Dolph Lundgren rounds out the unholy trinity. A European karate champ, bodybuilder and Fulbright scholar at MIT, Lundgren won some fame during the Cold War when Sylvester Stallone defeated him and, symbolically, communism in 1985's "Rocky IV." With the occasional exception, marquee status has eluded Lundgren ever since, despite his assuredly Oscar-worthy performance as He-Man in the live-action version of "Masters of the Universe."

In "Hidden Agenda," he's an ex-FBI agent pursued by the usual corrupt officials. Despite having the highest production values out of all three, "Hidden Agenda" falls flatter than the Utah desert, a fact most likely owed to the filmmakers' decision to exchange most action scenes for endless dialogue about computer relocation programs. Or something; I wasn't really paying attention. Movie sucked.

Lundgren was apparently as bored by the movie as I was, as the aging beefcake sleepwalks the whole way through. Not only that, but his trademark accent has thinned considerably since his days of fighting against capitalism and Skeletor. Lundgren's agent needs to inform him that European bodybuilders should stay indecipherable if they want to make it big in movies and politics.

The bell rings, and the man left standing when the dust settles is ... Christopher Lambert! As a second-generation "Highlander" fan (thanks, Dad), I might be a little bit biased, but the God's honest truth is that everyone's favorite immortal is the only one really trying here. Lambert goes the extra mile with his usual attempt at acting, even if he's aged poorly and his timing's never been worse. Plus, he wins bonus points for being a half-blind guy who can almost pretend he knows how to sword fight.

Reach the reporter at eric.spratling@asu.edu.


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