Zombie rights now.
We first heard it a couple weeks back on our Talk Back line, and, to be honest, we thought it was a joke. We even had a second caller commend the original 'zombie rights' activist using an obviously fake British accent.
Still, we blatantly ignored the issue of zombie rights, brushing it off as a bunch of hippies calling us up with silly causes. Seriously, we said, why can't these activists leave us alone so we can report on student government bickering and the status of Dos Gringos?
But the zombie-rights activists didn't quit. They invaded our comics page. Before long, the tortured moaning of local undead was too loud to ignore.
Tuesday, we received a letter to the editor from Aaron Thompson, leader of ASU's chapter of the Zombie Action Group (ZAG). In his letter, Thompson said, "Zombie rights are NO joke." Due to the capitalization and underlining of the word 'no,' we knew this guy meant business.
Thompson said filmmakers like George Romero, creator of "Night of the Living Dead" and the original "Dawn of the Dead," are responsible for today's negative portrayal of zombies in the mass media. And he's right -- every time you see, hear or read anything about zombies, it's always "eating brains." Now, Bush is on the brink of declaring a "War on Zombies." What about the positive contributions zombies make to society?
From this day forth, The State Press will be one publication that looks out for the rights of this oppressed minority.
Wednesday, the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Queer and Questioning Coalition took part in a National Day of Silence. At the end of the day of silence, participants enjoyed a "Night of Noise."
We want everyone to be heard, but zombies are incapable of human speech. All they can do is moan and mutter the occasional demand, "Brains!"
And while we push for a Chipotle near campus, we quickly forget that Tempe offers few dining options for individuals who eat only human brains. And zombies are frequently kicked out of local hangouts because business owners say zombies are messy, and living patrons don't like the smell of rotting, undead flesh.
On top of that, we have repeatedly criticized the low voter turnout in student government elections as a sure sign of student apathy. The truth is that many non-voting students are zombies who believe in brain-eating anarchy. Who are we to disrespect their political beliefs?
Zombies have been second-class citizens for too long. We must stop supporting movies that glorify cutting through their legs with chainsaws. Besides, we use less than 10 percent of our brains. That means we have plenty to share.
