Just a few weeks into her tenure as the world's oldest person, 114-year-old Hiroshima resident Mitoyo Kawate up and died. In doing so, she forfeited her honor to Charlotte Benkner of North Lima, Ohio.
No other title in the "Guinness Book of World Records" (save Most Attempted Suicides) is nearly as lethal. Kawate's death is just another fatality in a recent and alarming trend of obscenely old people dying. In recent months, two other Japanese people and one Albanian woman have, in rapid succession, followed one another to that big sushi bar in the sky.
This disturbing epidemic must stop.
And the Immortality Institute agrees. Under the catchy unpronounceable shorthand, www.imminst.org, the organization's Web site reads: "The mission of ImmInst is to conquer the blight of involuntary death" by "working towards the possibility of human physical immortality."
We are not making this up.
Under the motto "For infinite lifespans," ImmInst holds charity functions, conferences and forums, with threads titled things like, "Boredom and Immortality?" and "The Future of the Battlefield." A recent article by a featured speaker is titled "Mr. Yuck meets the Grim Reaper."
We wanted to get the Immortality Institute's comment about this recent scourge of mortality among the ultra-aged, but according to the web site, "ImmInst does not take official positions."
Members (it offers "full memberships," since "lifetime member" would be a controversial designation) can enter chat rooms and diss death with the Institute's notable board of directors, which includes individuals named "Reason" and "Omnido," complete with mug shots.
The Immortality Institute has injected a sense of optimism into The State Press newsroom. After all, with such dedicated folks working to hold off death indefinitely, how can anyone have the gall to foil its theory - and die?
Kawate's caretaker may offer some clues. In an interview with The Associated Press, the caretaker said Kawate "had a weakness for custard cakes and singing."
We shudder to think how many more old people have died at the hands of such an inconspicuous killer - ruthlessly ripped from this earth by the jaws of a Luby's custard cup. The Foundation for Proponents of Rice Pudding would not return our calls on whether its geriatric dessert of choice had the same lethal powers.
In the meantime, there are things to be done. North Lima must fight to keep Benkner on her geriatric throne. First off, Benkner must not be informed of her new, risky title. No one resembling the Grim Reaper or Brad Pitt cum Joe Black should be granted admission to her residence. And UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should she be let anywhere near custard cakes.
And perhaps North Lima, namesake of the northernmost succotash on the globe, should consider building a sushi bar.
