We're going to let you in on a secret few ASU students know about. It's more secret than the secret garden and even more secret than the proper name of the Nipple of Knowledge.
Less than a block north of Broadway Road on Ventura Drive, a monolithic statue of a naked falconer stands proudly in front of a boarded-up house.
It stands in the middle of a neighborhood that, like most Tempe neighborhoods, does not have many monolithic statues.
Unfortunately for us connoisseurs of cartoonishly monolithic art, the couple who lives in the house is remodeling, and they told The Arizona Republic they're tired of seeing monolithic concrete heinie every time they look out the window.
Now, they're giving the 1.5-ton statue to anyone who has the means to move it off their lawn.
The statue belonged to the house's old owner, who purchased it from a concrete company because he realized its uncanny awesomeness.
Since then, the falconer has been a kitschy attraction for in-the-know locals, including groups of sorority girls who use the statue for initiation rituals, Steve Tseffos, the owner of the house told the Republic.
We can't blame them - the falconer is the best-hung guy in Tempe. Who cares if he has apishly long arms and looks like he was sculpted by a Godzilla-sized sixth-grader?
We don't. At The State Press, we really want our own statue. We haven't had a statue since McDonald's made us give back the fiberglass Ronald we stole. Besides, the falconer could kick that clown's butt from here to Tucson.
Unfortunately, Clark Kent is no longer one of our reporters, and Tim Agne just isn't strong enough to lift a 3,000-pound naked guy. This is where you come in.
Hey, readers! Do you have a truck with a crane on it? Do you know anyone who does?
If so, please bring us the falconer. As a reward, we will give you all the State Presses you want, absolutely free! We will even inscribe your name on the statue in majestic Sharpie.
Admittedly, we're being selfish. We would really like to have our own ridiculous monolith, and we would love to have carloads of girls violating a concrete statue right outside the newsroom door.
More importantly, however, we would like to preserve the rich and proud tradition of having a giant naked man looking longingly at a bird in Tempe.
If no one in town claims the falconer, another town inevitably will gank him. We've seen Guadalupe eyeing him for a long time, and cutting-edge Scottsdale citizens undoubtedly will want a statue as chic and hip as the naked falconer.
How could self-respecting ASU students live with themselves if the falconer moved to Tucson?
We can't let it happen. The falconer needs to be on campus.
If we can't keep him in Tempe, at least we can all take the time out of our commute to swing by Broadway and Ventura and behold the most ridiculous monstrosity ever to adorn our town.
