Last time in this column, I wrote "Just plain cranky? I suggest you go to hell. Or Yuma."
The following is an excerpt from one of the multitude of e-mails I received in regards to that joke:
Dear Tim,
I write to you to call into question your equating of Yuma with hell. I resided in Mesa for 17 years - nearly as long as you have been occupying space on this Earth, I am sure. I moved to Yuma 10 years ago. There is no comparison between the Valley of the Sun and Yuma. Yuma is clean and quiet. We look out for one another and we stick together.
Your little faux pas has convinced me never to contribute to ASU in any way again. In addition, I intend to share your article with our Chamber of Commerce so that it can get the exposure it deserves.
Sincerely,
Randall Carter
Mr. Carter is certainly right about one thing-Yuma residents stick together. I have received similarly irate (although not as well written) e-mails from at least one other Yuma resident, thus accounting for more that 25 percent of the town's population.
These e-mails have opened my eyes to the blatant wrongness of my cheap shot at Yuma, and I hereby dedicate this column to saving face. My face.
See, Yuma is hands down the best place to stop for gas and snacks between Phoenix and San Diego. Since I aspire to go to San Diego as often as possible, I will more than likely stop at the Diamond Shamrock in Yuma.
Residents of Yuma, please do not wait for me in a mob at the Diamond Shamrock with pitchforks, torches, and Frankenstein rakes. I understand that it is important to own Frankenstein rakes for easy management of your dirt and sand, but I would like not to be lynched by them.
You might be surprised to know that my family once owned a Frankenstein rake. We're from East St. Louis, a town that has been made fun of at least once on The Simpsons. I did not report Mayor Joe Quimby to the chamber of commerce after that episode.
In my last article, before I took the cheap shot at Yuma, I spent some time praising Champaign, Ill, as a great college town. I should point out that Champaign is lousy with Chicago Cubs fans, the worst kind of people in the world. I'm sure most Yuma residents have the good taste to hate the Cubs, corked bats and all.
But, hey, the Cubs might make the playoffs this year-just as soon as Yuma freezes over! Sorry, bad habit.
See, people here in the Valley like to make fun of other cities. It makes us feel better about ourselves. Phoenix may be hot, polluted, and a great place to get your car stereo stolen, but we can trash-talk everyone else. But realistically, New Mexico probably doesn't totally suck, El Paso is not populated entirely by clowns, and Tucson is not a complete crap hole.
OK, Tucson definitely is a complete crap hole. More on that later.
We shouldn't pick on Yuma because Yuma has been going through some tough times. In 2000, the Jack in the Box on Fortuna Road burned down. It was conveniently located next to the Diamond Shamrock and brought a lot of revenue to the town.
This could have been devastating, but the people of Yuma are strong. They banded together and built a new Jack in the Box, a better one. How could a cocky young columnist possibly mock such a brave and resilient people?
The answer: because it was a cheap shot, an easy laugh for the drunken frat guys that I pretend constitute the majority of my audience. Next time I take a cheap shot, rest assured it will be at Tucson.
In Tucson, they break up parties with police helicopters, and all the decent looking girls sniff glue.
This is not a joke. I have actually spent time in Tucson and experienced this firsthand.
So, Yuma, I shouldn't have said those things. Keep in mind, no matter how bad us closed-minded Valley folk say your town is, we know as well as you do that Tucson is way the hell worse. My apologies.
Next week in this column:
Dear Tim,
I write to call into question your equating of Hell with Yuma. You'll probably live here someday, so I strongly suggest you watch what you write. The Cubs do suck, though. That's one thing you, me, and God agree on.
Sincerely,
Satan
Satan@Hell.org
Tim Agne is a journalism senior. Reach him at tim.agne@asu.edu.
