"Paradise Hotel" - Wednesday
A Quick Look
I can't stand this show, and this little paragraph of attention serves only to mock this mockery of a television program. I don't mean to sound like some kind of nun, but the whole show is a decadent use of sex for entertainment - not a promise ring in sight. The commercials were way more entertaining than the show itself. All the men look so much alike that I can't tell them apart. This makes distinguishing the plot line an impossible task.
The only one I can really pick out is... eerie music, please... Dave. A few episodes ago, I watched Dave walk in from the outside world and act like a complete geek. I watched Charla, the girl who fudged a bit about her desire to be his friend, flirt with everyone else. Fast-forward to a couple of episodes later, and I've just watched her declare that she doesn't like him touching her "bare skin." Translation: She thinks the man is ugly. He's unattractive. He's not so physically appealing. He's not the reddest apple in the bucket. Let's just get it out in the open, especially after he grabbed his chest in the pool to celebrate his "man-boobies." That is the extent to which this show captures my interest. Furthermore, I am willing to bet that a fairly large portion of the contestants will leave the hotel with an awesome case of herpes. Unfortunately, a large number of these contestants are from Arizona, and I am happy to report that one of them was wearing an ASU shirt on camera. Perhaps we don't want to encourage the STD Dragon to strike Tempe.
"Boarding House: Northshore" - Wednesday
On the Spot
The big scandal this week was a stain left over in a brand-new hotel room, blamed on the house. Holly demands photos from the hotel guy, and we get to see the email on the laptop screen. But, we don't get to see the picture of the stain! SHOW ME THE STAIN! I implored the television screen to reveal the spot, but alas, no stain came. Apparently, the spot looks like a little water spot. The cost for this carpet defacement? $250. The entertainment value? Priceless.
It's hard for me to recommend this show to all the landlubbers out there. I feel completely out of the loop, not knowing how any of this surfing business works. It's just starting to sink in: Myles is defending a title, and Sunny is trying to get his own Triple Crown. And Sunny is one hotheaded guy. His fist gets some more excercise as he throws a punch at another surfer advocating four-man heats as opposed to man-to-man heats that he prefers. This anger drives him to excel in the competition and advance, after an excellent run in the water. Therefore, I propose that a new Sunny Garcia drinking game be established so that viewers take a shot every time Sunny takes a shot at someone.
"Last Comic Standing" - Tuesday
Rats!
The beginning of the show was almost a cop-out, as the exact same feature segment with Tess Drake on "Extra" was repeated for the first few minutes of "Last Comic Standing." On the other hand, the sassiness and confidence that Tess exudes in the sketch is important to comprehend. She bluntly tells everybody that she will win, and I don't know whether to cheer with her or snarl at her. The "sleeping dragon" sure acts like she's destined to win and eventually gain stardom. Then the real show kicks in as viewers get to watch a bunch of stand-up comics spending a whopping eight hours trying to defeat the ultimate foe: a rat. It is Dave Mordal who comes to the rescue, persevering along with Rich Vos to get inside the mind of this vermin version of Houdini. Cut to scenes of Rich and Dave in a hot tub together, giving their play-by-play of all the events in the house. Leave it to Dave ("The Exterminator") to capture the rat with cheese and deposit it in a neighbor's yard.
The fortune-teller comes alive to announce that the comics will have a BYOA (Bring Your Own Audience) show, and they must go to Venice Beach to convince people to come. The one who gets the most people in, they figure, wins immunity from being challenged. An all-out schmooze-fest breaks out at the beach, as everyone from weightlifters to homeless men are handed the tickets. At the end, Mohr laughs sadistically as he points out that most of the comics couldn't convince anyone at all to come. Mohr is beginning to seem a bit evil, as he occasionally falls into a disturbing habit of laughing maniacally at the contestants' pain. Tess is the champion again with five audience members, and also begins to laugh maniacally.
Something about the confined space of the house is spoiling the lot. The show moves right on to the nastiness. Tension builds between Tere and Cory: Spikey-haired Tere never does the dishes, according to Cory. Cory is too controlling, according to Tere. In this house, not doing the dishes can get you expelled. Second, Dat Phan makes the mistake of not siding with Tere in her conflict with Cory, and doubly seals his fate by declaring to Tere that he will vote against her even though she considers them friends. Want to bet Dat is headed for the chopping block? He's really screwed when the other comics get a look at Dat's neatnik notebook, revealing how insane he really is. He graphs the lengths of his shows, and calculates complicated ratios of audience laughter divided by the speed of light squared, for example. He keeps track of every show in a diary, too.
Ralphie even goes on the record to say that on the "hierarchy" of comics on the show, Dat is squarely at the bottom. Which is why Tere's selection for challenge is such a surprise. She takes on Cory, and they have a refreshingly classy exchange: They don't make snide comments on the bus trip away from the house like Dave and Sean did in the previous episode, and they try to remain friends and congratulate each other. Cory wins with an 80 percent share of the audience in the Warehouse club, and chore-avoiding Tere is out of the house for good. I'm really going to miss her cool hair. On the other hand, Ralphie's blunt complaints about other people are still there, as is control-freak Cory. The remaining comics are looking uglier and uglier with each passing week, and I swear Mohr is growing horns. But I'll continue to enjoy my favorite reality show, even if I need mental floss every now and then.
"For Love or Money" - Monday
The Plot Thickens
Hey, it's really getting interesting now. At least that's what the producers were hoping would happen. No wonder last episode was so anticlimactic. The revelation of the girls' secret money prize was stretched over to this week for "good" reason. The episode begins with Rob getting in on an additional tidbit: If he manages to convince one of the girls to go for him and not the money, he gets to keep the money and the girl. Come on, this show's little "twists" are getting a bit ridiculous. Now we have dueling greed.
Erin takes Rob on the first 24-hour date via jet (of course) to Santa Barbara, Calif. and announces that it seems like Rob is trying to figure something out. Well, duh! The guy's got to figure out how to garner the goose and its golden egg at the same time. For such a poker-faced guy, Rob is a terrible actor. But Erin just barely begins to warm up. Next little Paige takes Rob on a little date. They kiss, and later have one of those "talks" where she makes a little excuse. "Oh, I'm trying to figure things out" and "Oh, I'm being a little bit distant," she says. Blah blah blah. This provides fodder for Rob to call her "the greatest con artist in the world." They go on a balloon ride. How romantic. In the car, they have a schmoochie moment. Yech.
Then, Rob has a steamy kissing scene with Kelly in the hot tub of a lodge in Telluride, Colo. Rob begins to prefer her at this point. Since last episode, and especially up to this episode, Paige and Kelly have looked like the likely champions. But Erin throws a wrench into this likely scenario, as does the Paige conflict. For this reason, Kelly takes a nose dive from the hot tub to the deep freeze during eliminations. Hey, it doesn't make sense to me either. This show is getting more and more convoluted at the point when I thought things were going to get simpler for my apparently feeble mind. Thankfully the (gasp!) two-hour finale will bring this madness to an end next Monday, as Paige and Erin duel to the death for their piece of precious man-meat.
"Anything for Love" - Monday
The Schtick
The premise of this FOX show is that troubled couples come on and take polygraph tests and go through other ordeals to tie up any loose ends before getting closer. The payoff for the audience is to see a couple of people get stressed out about lies and the truth. Woe be unto the producers who accidentally choose sane people for the show.
Liar, liar
Cameron and Kevin came on, knowing that had lied to each other at the very beginning when they met and decided from that point on that they were going to get married - but give up the lies. This was a really boring segment, because the only scandalous lie was Kevin's continuing to speak to an ex. That was to let her know well the current relationship is going. Yeah, right. And they're still speaking to one another. Silly people who get along make for lousy entertainment.
Trapped
Richard is lured into a trap by his girlfriend. He thinks he's in the green room waiting to appear on an ordinary television show, when he's really sitting on a minefield. A model walks in to flirt with Richard, but Richard manages to keep his eyes on the paperwork in his hands. His girlfriend comes out and announces that not only did Richard pass the test, but he will get a "great reward" later that night. And I assume she's not referring to some kind of money prize or medal?
Crushed
No sooner have we come back from commercial break, when suddenly the host walks up to a "random" girl in the audience and announces that someone she knows has a crush on her. Cut to a little video montage with pictures of the girl with a voice-over of "Luis" and the girl together. He comes out with a huge flower arrangement, they hug and she says "I'm gonna kill you" under her breath. I kid you not. Obviously she's quite thrilled. And then the host makes sure to point out that she said "I'm gonna kill you." It seems that if she had any interest in Luis before, she's much too creeped out to continue. And she probably will kill him.
The Verdict
Too many freaking happy endings. Come on, I want conflict. Maybe I just witnessed a bad episode, but this show is supposed to be dramatic. I want to see screaming and crying. I want to see some scandal. I don't want to hear "I love you" and "I want to get to know you better" and "Let's get married" and all that other sappy brew-ha-ha. This ain't the Disney Channel, it's FOX for crying out loud.
Nicole Saidi is the content editor of the Web Devil. Reach her at nicole.saidi@asu.edu.
