I fully support waging a war on multiple fronts, but the advances that some "Americains" have made on the culinary lines against the French is beyond ridiculous - not to mention a battle lost before it ever began.
Of course, I'm referring to the unilateral (what isn't these days?) action Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, took on Capitol Hill before the war in Iraq officially started. Ney sparked a movement to strike the word "french" from the fries and butter-soaked toast in the House cafeteria and replaced it with the ever-original "Freedom."
Freedom fries. Freedom toast. That'll show them! After all, is there a better demonstration of the political clout of an elected official than changing the menu in his workplace cafeteria?
Forget the fact that french fries are actually a Belgian food, or that french toast originated in Albany, N.Y., in the diner of a fellow named Joe French (Albany is just about as French as Ohio). Minor details. It's about making a statement!
And now, a lawmaker from Bush's home state of Texas is proposing another ingenious anti-French move. According to an article in the San Antonio Express-News, Rep. Wayne Christian (do I even need to tell you his party?) of the Texas Christian Coalition has suggested a bill to triple taxes on French wine sales in Texas.
The historical irony of this French wine tax-push is perfect. Chest-thumping patriots from the Texas Conservative Coalition are imposing taxes on those Americans who have a refined palate, regardless of nationalistic affiliation or political orientation.
Hey, wait! Didn't we fight an entire war against unreasonable taxation? I remember now. It was around 1776 and called the American Revolution, or something like that. And who saved our national derriere? That's right, it was "les Francais."
Speaking of the French, our troops would be having a lot more trouble waging this war on Iraq without them. Take camouflage. That's French! One of France's countless important contributions in couture was camouflage - from the French word to veil or disguise - and its first use was by a division of the French military in World War I.
If we are going to make a linguistic boycott of the French, then let's be consistent. That means no "artillery" (from the French "artillier," meaning to equip), no "brigades" or "battalions."
In fact, the whole "infantry" would be obsolete, seeing as though, being proper patriots, we could not possibly have "soldiers." And in true American spirit, we could not possibly carry out such French actions as to "attack" ("attaquer") Saddam, "advance" ("avancer") on Baghdad, or "barrage" (from "barrier," meaning to fire) enemies with "bombs" or "grenades" (yep, French words, too).
That this country is so full of short-sighted Francophobes is not nearly as disturbing as the fact that those same Americans are unable to engage in a meaningful political dialogue disputing France's foreign policy - one that, in many ways, does deserve rebuke. But without political and diplomatic savoir faire, Ney, Christian and others have resorted to the center of the American psyche: the stomach.
These very public, petty and ludicrous actions coming from some Americans are making it difficult for the French (who have consistently said that they oppose the foreign policy of the Bush administration, not the American people) to keep a straight face.
Furthermore, when it comes to culture wars, we have never had the upper hand with the French. Again, they will have the last laugh. The last laugh will come in the form of a giant package of pretzels - the finger food that gave our president so much choking trouble a year ago - being collected and shipped with care from some French citizenry to Monsieur Bush, with all pretzel proceeds going to a children's charity.
Plus, Germany, one of the biggest European markets for American products, has signed on to the American brand of "we'll show you." Many German restaurants have stopped serving Coca-Cola and Marlboros, and Big Mac and latte lovers worldwide have begun to give up their McDonald's and Starbucks runs in protest.
Ditching wines and escargot is small fries, since France is by no means alone in its repudiation of Bush's war in Iraq. According to Christian's liquor logic, he'd also have to tax or go without French Champagne, sherry or Cointreau. Not to mention Russian vodka, Italian Amaretto, Martinis, German Reisling, Jagermeister and, of course, German beer.
By my calculations, that leaves us with whiskey and Franzia from a box. Plus, whatever the Latvians brew. Sometimes being an American is a sobering reality.
Katie Petersen is an English and biology junior. Reach her at katie.petersen@asu.edu.
