"The Real Cancun" is a terrible film created by depraved, sick individuals and featuring depraved, sick individuals. And yes, some of those depraved, sick individuals were ASU students. Who might be the target audience? You guessed it, depraved and sick individuals, some of whom are ASU students. This movie is an abomination and a humiliation for the University.
Which is why, dearest blood relatives of mine who might be reading this, you must stop reading immediately. You are only wasting your time if you continue to scroll down, as I have already said everything important.
OK, the coast is clear.
Now that the prying eyes of the writer's nuclear and extended family have been dealt with, I can honestly say that I enjoyed this rowdy romp. Although I likely lost a few points off my intelligence quotient (read: IQ) without the use of any sort of controlled substance during the film, I doubt that I have enjoyed a film this much, or laughed so hard, in a long time.
One cannot fully comprehend how painful this admission is to make. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I saw this movie on my birthday and was already in a good mood, but I found all the frivolous behavior both fun and annoying at the same time.
The first step in seeing this movie was to check out the web site at therealcancun.com. There, I took a personality test that is basically rigged to show that you are a superb party animal - even if you just returned from a Star Trek convention and are on the Internet wallowing in self-pity, you pathetic loser. With my ego newly stroked, and secure in the knowledge that I am indeed one wild and crazy party animal, I was ready to head into the theatre and start watching some spring break action.
Made by the reality gurus who produced MTV's own reality series, the film wasn't much of a risk for its producers. The premise is baked straight from the Reality TV cookbook's proven recipe:
"Sixteen good-looking people of either sex, one part vodka and a dash of bare breasts rubbing up against each other to taste. Place in confined space in unbelievably exotic and expensive location and bake for one week, all the while providing parties and music for entertainment. Roast under springtime sun until skin turns a golden brown."
So viewers get an inside look at parties, suntans and sex. The camera is free to zoom in on shaking nipples at will during the wet T-shirt contest in the beginning, and the close-up chest shots cease to be shocking after the first few minutes. It's exactly like an uncensored "The Real World" only there isn't any form of running commentary throughout. The unscripted film plays out more like a movie than a so-called reality show.
Not that there's an actual plot...if you're looking for that, you're in the wrong theatre, pal. There are some general conflicts that run throughout, but nothing earth-shattering.
Jeremy, an ASU graduate who attends UA, does not take long to fall into his role as the Good Looking Playa' with a Cute Smile that Will Bed Anything With a Heartbeat. Since there is no privacy in the house, the audience is treated to an excessive amount of footage showing his blanket-covered bottom gyrating up and down with a different woman practically every night.
The other ASU student is Matt, who clearly is interested in Sarah, the third ASU student. She has a boyfriend and doesn't want to cheat. So Matt has a one-night stand, and after walking in on him in mid-shag, she has the audacity to get upset with him. He can neither have her, nor date - er, shag - anyone else. Remember folks, these people are representing our fine university.
But of all the participants, perhaps the most memorable is Alan, the Texas Tech freshman. Naive and inexperienced upon arrival, he soon takes his first drink. After thorough coaching and peer pressure from his wizened elders, he's taking body shots off random women like a seasoned pro - well, almost. Awww, the little guy's growing up.
And then there's Sky and Paul. Sky likes Jeremy, Paul likes Sky, Sky thinks Paul is a pitiful piece of manhood, and Sky can't get with Jeremy...this mini conflict is pretty predictable stuff. There are other people, too; Harvard-bound David and his amusing music-making, his friend Heidi, Fletch, Amber, Laura, the twins, and more. The movie cannot claim to have 16 strangers, when it clearly features two pairs of people who knew each other quite well prior to the trip.
In the end, I wonder what these people did once they returned from the trip. Did they go back to ordinary lives, or did they continue to shag and shake? The answer is probably a little bit of both. I wonder how they got the time, interest, energy or liver for it. And how many of us would want our embarrassing private moments put on the big screen so that yappy online movie reviewers can criticize them?
I would say the acting and the storyline in this movie are horrible, but there is no acting or story. The movie is targeted too closely on young, straight males, because bare male nipples and a male bikini contest simply don't cut it for the other 50 percent or so of the audience. I am a little disappointed that footage of male genitalia was avoided, or even blacked out, while the R rating of the movie still permitted female exposure. But that's another article altogether.
The audience in the theatre was filled with mid-pubescent teenage boys who most likely won't be listed in ASU's directory. Yes, kids, this is what your college years will be about. You too can have endless amounts of alcohol and nights in the club, and women will not hesitate to expose themselves to you. That is what the real world is truly like.
This movie may be the perfect pitch to increase the number of kids who graduate middle and high school and move on to college. "Stay in School Jam," eat your heart out.
Your best bet is to see this movie (yes, go and see this movie) for what it is: dumb fun, sexy people and a bare boob or two. Nothing intelligent, nothing to be learned and nothing to reflect well on the state of our University, but still a good time to be had for all.
What did you think of the movie? Post your opinion in the forum below.
Nicole Saidi is the Content Editor of the Web Devil. Reach her at nicole.saidi@asu.edu.
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out of four
