Passing up "American Idol", "Joe Millionaire" and "Trading Spaces," I've settled on the latest smash hit in reality TV: "Impending War on Iraq". Flipping through the news networks, it's clear that the Bush administration had a brainstorm session for snazzy titles for their upcoming, feature-length war: "Showdown: Iraq!" "Conflict With Iraq!" "Disarm or Else!"
I've come to realize that, just like reality TV, there is nothing unscripted or up for grabs about the prospective war: It has all been scripted by our fearless screenwriter, director and producer, President Bush. The only "real" aspects of this feature presentation are the potential human and economic casualties.
As with entertainment press junkets, the administration's rhetoric has been chock-full of quotable sound bytes. Any serious talk of worst-case scenarios is sparse. The projected costs of this war beyond our $1-billion-a-day defense budget fall into the "fuzzy math" category. Expert economists believe that the current figures being thrown about are conservative underestimates, even if this Persian Gulf sequel cleans up nice and fast like the administration hopes it will.
And only last week did Bush speak to post-battle plans in Iraq, saying that creating a new regime in Iraq "would serve as a dramatic and inspiring example of freedom for other nations in the region." Obviously, those other nations have all been clamoring for our brand of democracy; just look at Sept. 11.
People have written letters and columns cautioning against the production of this war. They have gone on hunger strikes. They have rallied in the streets.
But Bush equated the myriad of anti-war protests - millions of waving hands and screaming lungs worldwide - to mere "focus groups," demonstrating just how foolhardy it would be to listen to the global community when deciding whether to instigate a global conflict.
I think what he really means is that his mind is made up and hell-bent on invading Iraq. One dinky little indicator of dissent - like millions of people who don't think revenge for Daddy Bush's sake is good enough reason to kill countless American soldiers and Iraqi civilians, or to subject our homefront to terror - isn't about to stop him from going to war.
It's just a "focus group." The kind of thing you use to find out how to best market hotdogs during the seventh inning stretch when you own a Texas pro-baseball team.
Ironically, George H. W. Bush, or Bush Numero Uno, isn't as gung-ho for Operation Save Face as his son. At a speech at Tufts University last week, referring to his own experience in the Gulf, Bush Sr. said that the goal of taking out Saddam was a risky, if not unwise one:
"If we had tried to go in there and created more instability in Iraq, I think it would have been very bad for the neighborhood,'' he said, in reference to the war his administration engaged in with Iraq.
Despite Dubya's conviction that Saddam is an imminent threat to the hood, his father admitted that the hard evidence of Saddam's current weapons holdings is ''a little fuzzier'' than the Kuwaiti conflict over a decade ago.
If there's one final lesson we can all take away from the silver screen, it's that there is nothing worse than a bad sequel; most sequels should have found the cutting room floor. Think "Cruel Intentions 2," or "The Lost World." Need I say more?
Some might even consider it the third in a three-part series, since the parallels of this war to the American experience in Vietnam are frightening. Since we are witnessing many of the hallmarks of what was arguably this nation's darkest hour in the last century - millions of protesters in the streets, disenchanted and embittered military officers overseas - before the opening credits even roll, it is clear this Baghdad Blockbuster will be a flop of disastrous proportions.
Plus, in this reality show featuring Bush's 10-gallon hats and dueling pistols, the other cast members aren't cooperating. Turkey and Europe - even Saddam himself - are making this performance tricky.
But donning his Good-Guy Stetson, the president knows that Shakespeare was right: "All the world's a stage." And in show business, you fake it till you make it. With thousands of troops already waiting in the wings, the president is just waiting for the curtain call.
Showmen don't mess with focus groups. They don't mess with international resolutions. This is W's military debut in the Middle East theatre. So sit back, try to relax, and enjoy the show from the comfort of your newly shrink-wrapped, terror-proofed couch.
Katie Petersen is an English and biology junior. Reach her at katie.petersen@asu.edu.
