Going off to war has always evoked some fear in soldiers. For the French, it was dying in the trenches. For the Germans, it was the harsh Russian winter. For our troops preparing to fight for us in the Middle East it is libido. The multitude of vaccines, the possibility of chemical agents and the idea of hanging around depleted uranium all day has spawned noteworthy concern for our soldiers' ability to reproduce.
The answer could be to wear lead underwear or to knock up the girlfriend before leaving, but thanks to advances in cryogenics, several companies nationwide are offering to freeze the soldiers' sperm before they leave.
This first struck me as a scam to make soldiers feel more comfortable with their departure. Much to my surprise, though, this process costs about $200, with annual storage of the sperm costing around $300. For the military men, companies such as Xytex, sporting the innocuous motto "Creating Families Through Innovation," are waiving the first-year fee.
After all, it is not dying that the soldiers worry about; it's coming home and having a sperm count they can count on one hand. Though the marriage vow says "til death do us part," some wives would leave their uniform-clad honeys when they found out they could no longer reproduce, so this precaution is important to keep families together.
However, the companies offering this storage aren't merely accommodating soldiers. Anyone with a couple of Benjamins and a Playboy can get the same package. In fact, you can simply call in your request, have them send you a special coolant container - Jurassic Park style - and you mail it back, ensuring your ability to procreate. (Of course, a female is still needed.)
As great as this is, it raises some concerns. With everyone able to afford this, I foresee an abundance of fatherless children. Imagine some of our more intellectually challenged citizens using this service: "Baby, if I don't make this 50-foot jump on my bike, at least you've got some of my best swimmers to carry on my legacy."
Zealous members of the NRA will want to keep some of their boys on ice too, since Armageddon will begin tomorrow. This is so inclusive, the most meager of tax returns could easily pay for this procedure, and surely the fine people at Xytex have no "good judgment" criteria or mandated screening. Besides, anyone turned down nowadays would just cry "sperm discrimination!"
Perhaps these companies could raise their prices to make it less affordable, and use a catchy euphemism for their sperm storage, such as Personal Genealogical Inevitability Insurance or something. Then the only people using the service would be soldiers, men about to enter chemotherapy and boy-band members.
This would cut down on the general public freezing sperm just because MSNBC told them it was top ten for cost-effective Valentine's gifts.
Since the companies probably won't go with my marketing idea, I'll have to take responsibility for stopping this trend by saying, sure it's great for soldiers preparing to encounter "shriveling agents," and great for chemo patients, but for the rest of us, remember what Mom used to tell you: Keep your sperm out of the freezer!
Someday we're all going to die, and freezing sperm won't reverse the wheel of fortune. People already pay hundreds of dollars a year for cable; let's hope they don't start paying just as much for something equally futile.
Darren Todd is an English literature senior. Reach him at lawrence.todd@asu.edu.
