Harry Potter is the devil. Don't let his "poor kid with broken glasses" sham fool you -- he's Satan. We all know that magic is bad and the cause of all things evil.
Apparently some highly evolved groups have picked up on this. Last year in Lewiston, Maine, a group called the Ministry of the Jesus Party held a book-burning ceremony to torch J.K. Rowling's first book, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."
This November, the group's leader, the Rev. Douglas Taylor, had to settle for a book-cutting soiree at the local Ramada Inn. This lacked the splendor of the book burning, but he couldn't get the permits for another burning. (Harry Potter has friends in the Lewiston Fire Department.)
Even some of Rowling's own, the British, see the light. Julie Sparkes of Wellington gathered almost a hundred names for a petition to ban Harry Potter movies from a local theater.
She'd researched the books thoroughly and found they were too close to the occult. The owner of the theater, an obvious pagan, told her that she shouldn't push her beliefs on other people.
Sparkes is exactly right when she says these books teach kids how to do witchcraft. Just the other day I was buzzed by a hellion on a broomstick, and I almost dropped my pumpkin pie.
Derek and Paula Clare in London felt the same way, saying there are only two powers: God and the Devil. If something is not of God, it's of the Devil. Notions such as witchcraft, paganism and math have no place among goodly men and women.
To hell with the people that say these books have caused millions of children to put down the remote control and pick up a book. Never mind the teachers who swear by the books as effective teaching tools, saying they keep the students interested. That's what Ritalin is for!
Even the Satanists have joined the fight against these books in public schools. In Columbia, S.C., worshipers of the Dark One have recognized how wicked these books are. Anne Thomas, a devout Satanist, asked what kind of schools allow children to follow some spell-casting freak. Here's to that!
At least the residents of South Carolina have their wits about them. Dozens of angry parents, worried for their children's spiritual development persuaded the board of education to consider setting restrictions on how the books could be taught in the classroom and how accessible they would be at the schools' libraries.
The districts were left to deal with this problem on their own, and one school in Cedarville did the right thing by making the books accessible only if the student has a permission slip from home. I think all books should require such precautions--how else are parents to know what their children are reading?
These are especially volatile times with the newest installment befouling our theaters, the very places where one could formally take their child and avoid responsibility for a couple of hours.
The pious parents are left with plenty of options, though. There are always those swell Bible stories you can watch, or videogames such as Pong and Snake. Better yet, just stay inside of a church at all times to avoid anything remotely objectionable.
We have several options outside of this wholly hedonistic rubbish. So, whether you're evoking Santa Claus for a holiday favor or blowing the candles out on your birthday cake, ask for peace on earth and an end to that hell-spawned Harry Potter.
Darren Todd is an English literature senior. Reach him at lawrence.todd@asu.edu.
