Columnists throughout America have all received, at one time or another, evidence that a portion of their readership is made up of computer wielding monkeys knowledgeable enough to send the occasional e-mail. This week, I would like to take the time to respond to this small, yet loyal portion of my readership. Forgive my deviation from "the news," but this demographic deserves at least one column a year that speaks directly to them.
In the following letters, both the names and e-mail content have been fabricated. Any similarity to real events or real individuals is probably due to a simple and sincere lack of originality.
Dear President Crow: I'm glad you have taken the time to pick up The State Press and read my work on occasion. I did, however, check with our Health department and as I expected it is nearly impossible for me to have my head lodged where you claim, to say nothing about how hard it would be to write an article in said position.
To this end, I can assure you that the inhalation of my own bio-gasses is not my only source of oxygen and that my brain does receive proper stimulation outside of "the limericks on bathroom stalls" and "grocery-store porno-mags."
Dear Father O'Brien: I'm not sure the Vatican would approve of phrases such as "brain tainted by retardation" and "face like a Hiroshima survivor." While I'm highly skeptical that my very existence may change the Church's stance on birth control and capital punishment, I'm pleased to hear something can spark change in such a rigid institution.
In addition, I'm glad to hear that you've found my pieces useful, but I would hope it would be for more than wiping up "your divine digested sacrament" when you run out of Charmin.
Dear PETA: Despite the fact that "the streets will run red with the blood of the unbelievers," I still refuse to write an article on the benefits of soy. Please feel free to send your request to other columnists who may be more receptive. May I suggest North Korea, whose brand of fascist dictatorial beliefs fits well with your agenda.
On a lighter note, I'm glad to hear that you've ended your long feud with Burger King. I'm certain that their introduction of an expensive, yet tasteless veggie burger will convert their health conscious clientele to your way of thinking.
Dear Curtis Ramsey: Your e-mail titled, "your opinion makes my bowels hurt," was both highly detailed and thoroughly descriptive. I must, however, insist that you not mail "that which [I] inspired," but to instead send it to President Crow for comparison.
Not to question your credibility, but I have trouble believing that you're the Virginia Sniper and that you're coming for me next. I, therefore, refuse to run zigzag patterns to and from class "just in case."
Dear ASASU: While I'm sure that my criticism of your organization has caused you "undo emotional distress," I do not believe it is within your power to impeach me. In any case, I wish you the best of luck with your signature drive, but I'm certain the student body will react just as apathetically as it does to everything else you do.
Dear unmentioned: Sorry I slighted you in this column, insofar as you have been left out of my response so far, I urge you to take to what you do best. Warm up those opposable digits and e-mail away.
Best Wishes, Joshua Billar.
Joshua Billar is a chemical engineering graduate. Reach him at joshua.billar@asu.edu.
