(This last issue of the State Press Magazine is a mock version of the campus daily, the State Press. All names, quotes and events are fictitious. Read it for fun or not at all.)
Dear Bea,
I've recently noticed some changes in my son's behavior. He's moodier than ever, he won't come out of his room and he's not eating as much as usual. Should I be a snoopy mom and intervene? I don't want to lose his trust but I need to know if he's OK.
Concerned in Cochise
Dear Concerned,
We were four middle-aged women living in a house on Miami Beach. We were all going through menopause at the time and it was hot as hell in that damn house — the only one in the neighborhood without a pool. I was bitter about everything in those days. I mean, come on — I lived with my mom, Sophia, for Christ's sake, that Rose was dumber than a dingo and Blanche…what a little slut. No really, there were more old men getting action in that house than at a damn prostate clinic. But ahhhhh, what times we had. We bonded over a love for cheesecake and gin (the card game you fools), and nothing could keep us apart. Not even the three heart attacks, four kidney failures and constant bowel movements we all shared. We were, after all…the golden girls.
Dear Bea,
Do you have any tips for a recent divorcee? My husband of 20 years and I split just last month and I've found myself at a loss for what to do. Do I go out? If so, where? Do I stay home and spend time with myself? If so, what activities can I do to alleviate the pain and boredom of being alone for the first time in years?
Alone in Arlington
Dear Alone,
I told Rose not to interfere. Blanche was in love with Harry — so what if poor little Rose had her doubts about the man? It was her wedding day for Christ's sake and nothing should have stopped it. But stupid Rose, with her poofy white hair and annoying ditzy smile, said she just haaad to tell Blanche. She didn't feel right about Harry for some reason and she couldn't let Blanche marry him. Oh, but don't worry, I stopped the little ingrate from ruining a good day. So what if Harry was a bigamist and had sideburns that were way out of control? That didn't stop Glen from cheating on his wife to date me, did it? Did it?! I almost continued the affair with him, but then I told him that I'm not a "chick on the side" type. That told him. I was down for a bit after that…took to the bottle (of Mylanta) for awhile…didn't even wear my Depends around the house. But my spirits were lifted when Blanche took me for a cruise in her new car. That tramp really does know how to make people happy. They all did, really. After all, we were…the golden girls.
Dear Bea,
I just started dating this incredible woman. She's beautiful, smart, driven and sweet all at the same time. We've been seeing each other for about a month now and I suspect that she wants to have "relations" very soon. But I have always had a problem "down there." I have never felt quite adequate enough and I shy away from sex when I can. But I think she may be the one. How do I let her know of my fears without pushing her away?
Self-conscious in Sarasota
Dear Self-conscious,
Who the hell calls their father Big Daddy anyway? That whore named Blanche, that's who. She hadn't seen the man in a long time and they were finally getting reunited. Well, the big day arrives, and Blanche and her father are reunited. He has a big surprise for Blanche, and when she finally wheedles it out of him, she finds out he's become a country singer and is appearing at a local cantina. Guess what? The old pisser was so horrible the club cancelled his gig! Ha! I mean, a pity really. But come on, who calls their dad Big Daddy? What a bimbo that Blanche is. Sometimes, I tell ya, I just wanted to switch her foot powder with a little rat poison if ya know what I mean. Sophia wasn't much better…always shuffling around the house, hunched over like the damn troll she was. They were all jealous of my height and stature. Blanche used to say I was too manly at times, but that's just because she's a slut and doesn't know any better. None of them knew anything…except how to love. Yes, they all loved me, and I loved them. Because, damnit, we were…the golden girls.
Dear Bea,
What are your thoughts on marrying someone of another race?
Curious in Casablanca
Dear Curious,
If you threw a party…invited everyone you knew…you would see, the biggest gift would be from me…and the card attached would say… "thank you for being a friend."
