Baseball fans and fanatics alike rejoiced this week as Major League Baseball’s 2015 season began. Somewhat confusingly, Opening Day was Monday when the first game of the regular season was Sunday, but that doesn’t really matter. What truly matters is that baseball — peanuts, Cracker Jack, A-Rod and all — has returned.
For the Arizona Diamondbacks, Opening Day was a typical display of mediocrity. In a 5-4 loss to the San Francisco Giants, the D-Backs did what they have done for the last 10 years; the team came close, but fell just short of victory.
Although this might age me, I remember when the Diamondbacks were good. In fact, the franchise wasn’t just good; it was great. My dad pulled me out of class in early November 2001 to attend the Diamondbacks World Series Victory Parade. The team’s 4-3 series win over the perennial champs, Derek Jeter’s New York Yankees, remains in my mind one of the greatest World Series victories ever.
The Big Unit, Tony Womack, Craig Counsell and my personal favorite Gonzo formed the core of an outstanding team, and they earned their title. Even Byung-hyun Kim did his part, in spite of recording a loss in Game 4 of the World Series. It was an incredible time to be a fan of the expansion franchise.
Unfortunately, times have changed. The team has only gone to the playoffs three times in the 13 seasons since their World Championship and only made it as far as the NLCS. In contrast, the Red Sox have gone to the playoffs seven times in the same period, winning three World Series titles.
The team has tried almost everything to change their losing ways. But in spite of signing Cuban phenomenon Yasmany Tomas to a six-year contract, firing manager Kirk Gibson and hiring Tony La Russa and calling up several highly touted prospects from the minors, the D-Backs are only expected to win seven to eight more games than last season by Odds Shark. That would be 71 to 72 wins. That would be mediocre and under .500, as usual.
The Diamondbacks have a serious losing problem, so I have decided to lead an intervention on behalf of the team’s fans.
Sports predictions of this sort are notoriously pitiful because there is really no way to predict what will happen in sports. Even my favorite commentators, Mike Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser, get it wrong all the time (they actually dedicate the last minute of their daily program to that episode's minor errors). Supposed experts make mistakes every day ( just look at Jay Bilas’s 2015 tourney bracket in the first round) and look even more foolish when they speak with confidence that their predictions are accurate.
Thankfully I know almost nothing about baseball, so I think I can provide a fairly objective view of the logical steps the team should take that an expert just couldn’t imagine. To help the team curb its addiction to finishing with a .500 record, I have created a 12-step program to help the Diamondbacks. It may not be perfect, but hopefully it will put the team on the path to recovery.
1. Trade everything for Theo Epstein.
The man’s a genius. Diamondbacks ownership (I’m talking to you Derrick Hall), do whatever it takes to get him. Trades, absorbing the remainder of his contract with the Cubs, cutting the current roster and front office: I don’t care, just do it.
2. OK, not everything. Keep Paul Goldschmidt and Tony La Russa. Goldy is phenomenal by D-Backs standards, and bringing La Russa onto the team's front office was a major score for the team. Goldschmidt and La Russa can stay, but everyone else is on the chopping block in exchange for Epstein.
3. Resign the entire 2001 World Series Team.
If you’ve seen one of Luis Gonzalez’s local commercials, you know as well as I do that the man is still ripped. He can play. Randy Johnson is also still a monster, and let’s not forget that he killed a bird in a game. I mean he literally used his God-given gift to strike down a pigeon. That’s fearsome. And former manager Bob Brenly still knows a thing or two about baseball (or at least he should given that he does TV commentary for the team). I would honestly be more comfortable with a Diamondbacks starting lineup of men in their 50s as compared to the current lineup.
4. ... Except Curt Schilling.
For those of you who follow baseball, not bringing back Curt Schilling is a no-brainer. For those of you who don’t, just look into his failed video game venture, his Twitter battles over evolution, or just turn on ESPN. You’ll understand (on a side note, I greatly respect Schilling’s defense of insensitive comments made about his daughter on Twitter).
5. Sign Michael Jordan to play in the Outfield.
The White Sox never gave MJ the chance he deserved, and the MLB players strike of 1994 all but guaranteed that MJ would go back to basketball. But given how well he can still play basketball, I’d give him a shot at baseball, too. The Diamondbacks really cannot get much worse.
6. Stop selling novelty food items that may kill me.
Last year’s footlong hotdog and this year’s giant churro are exciting novelty items. But I think I would have a heart attack if I had both in the same day. Stop trying to kill me Diamondbacks food vendors.
7. Go back to the purple and teal uniforms.
They were arguably the best uniforms of any professional sports franchise ever. The switch to Sedona Red was a cowardly move by ownership to supposedly cut costs; I will never agree with the call.
8. Hire Billy Beane and "Moneyball" author Michael Lewis to do something.
Billy Beane did something right with the A’s, and Michael Lewis made baseball seem more interesting than it really is. Can’t hurt to have them both around.
9. May as well bring in Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill from the movie Moneyball.
There really is no benefit to bringing in Brad Pitt or Jonah Hill, but it would be cool. If we’re lucky, Pitt might play every once in while.
10. Retire the bobcat mascot, and actually have a diamondback rattlesnake mascot.
I hate the bobcat. You can’t make the mascot of a team a bobcat when it is named after a rattlesnake. That just doesn’t make sense. I do not care how difficult it is to make a rattlesnake mascot uniform; it’s time for change.
11. Sell Chase Field.
Chase Field has become a reminder of the glory days of the past; it is also a depressing reminder of the present state of the team. I am tired of going to a stadium where I know there will never be another World Series. Sell the damn thing ( the facility could perhaps face the fate of the Astrodome), play anywhere else, and use the money from the sale to pay Brad Pitt.
12. Move to Portland.
I love Phoenix, but you don’t have to be a genius to know that Phoenix is not a great baseball town. The Diamondbacks have consistently ranked near the bottom of MLB attendance, averaging only 26,000 last season. Fenway was still filled to brim when the Red Sox were suffering their 100-year World Series drought, and Wrigley Field remains packed today. Locally, the Arizona Cardinals have only had a winning record in five of the last 27 seasons and yet their games are some of the best attended in the NFL.
In contrast, Portland offers perfect seasonal weather, an ever-expanding market (the recently formed Portland Timbers has seen exceptional fan support) and a pre-existing rivalry with Seattle that any owner would love to exploit. Sorry Phoenix, but it’s time for the D-Backs to move to the Northwest and rename the team the Portland Hipsters. I’ll follow the Diamondbacks (or Hipsters) franchise to its new home if it moves, because I’m a true fan.
Case closed.
Reach the columnist at clmurph5@asu.edu or follow @ConnorLMurphy on Twitter.
Editor’s note: The opinions presented in this column are the author’s and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.
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