Last Saturday night I was dancing in a club filled with people. Yet, in the midst of everything, I felt lonely. It wasn’t because I chose not to dance or because I didn’t have friends there.
It was something else.
Philosopher and theologian Paul Johannes Tillich writes in his book, “The Eternal Now,” that language “has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. It also has the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.”
Essentially, “aloneness” is a state of being, while loneliness and solitude are the ways in which we conceptualize aloneness.
One is not always lonely even if one is alone and contrarily, one is not always connected when one is among people.
There is a stigma on aloneness, as people construe it as antisocial behavior or the result of something painful. As Bella DePaulo says in Psychology Today, “Some people really do want their time alone and regard it as something positive and constructive; they are not skittishly fleeing scary humans.”
Sometimes people just want to be alone, which is OK.
In fact, it can be very healthy, especially because people respond physically differently to social stimuli. Some people are not as comfortable in large crowds of people, while others are happy eating meals alone. Solitude can be a refreshing, small form of meditation for people who seek to still their internal pond.
In the stillness, we can often find answers.
That isn’t to say that loneliness, the painful version of solitude, doesn’t exist. John T. Cacioppio says, “What has emerged (from our societal definition) is the notion that loneliness is an aversive signal whose purpose is to motivate us to reconnect. But over time if it is not addressed, loneliness can contribute to generalized morbidity and mortality.”
The problem is that we cannot recognize loneliness in others because it’s individual and internal, but it might help to find some ways to turn moments of loneliness until moments of comfortable solitude. As Toni Bernhard, a chronically ill professor and lawyer, describes in her journey towards acceptance, “If being alone is a source of suffering for you, see if you can think of a few positives that come from solitude (even if it's just having sole possession of the remote control!).”
Making a list of the positive aspects of aloneness can help to alleviate loneliness and return us to a place of constructive solitude.
If that isn’t enough and you wish to move out of a state of aloneness altogether, try to EASE out of it. That is: extend yourself, action plan, selection, and expect the best. This is a four-step method toward building a higher quality of mental health that will keep us from being lonely, even when we happen to be alone.
As Jack Keruoac once said, “No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.”
We can reclaim the power of aloneness by understanding the difference between solitude and loneliness.
Reach the columnist at Alexandria.tippings@asu.edu or follow her at @Lexij41
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