Editorial: Time is up

Published On:
Monday, December 8, 2008
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Here we are; another semester has come and gone — fall has fallen.

But this bad boy has dropped with a thud — one so loud that this University’s (and nation’s) history will not forget it.

From August to December, there have been a handful of stories that have appeared in The State Press that have defined the fall 2008 semester at ASU. In case you missed them, the following is a recap of those headlining stories, presented in a semi-serious fashion:

• Football failed — by a lot. A team that had about as little fight and heart as it did talent and discipline did well in beating the bottom-dwelling teams it should have, but it looked embarrassing against the rest, with UA putting the ugly icing on the ugly cake on Saturday. On a positive note, the Sun Devils (5-7) finished with the same win-loss record as perennial powerhouse UNLV.

• The Arizona Board of Regents' December meeting made plenty of noise. With a 5 percent tuition increase for continuing students approved to no surprise early in the meetings, ASU President Michael Crow didn’t let things get boring, announcing plans to build a new system of smaller, cheaper bachelor’s degree-offering colleges. As for its plausibility, Crow had better hope banks, lenders, developers, contractors, builders, educators, administrators, staffers, maintenance workers, etc. the system will need will all be willing to accept Sun Dollars in lieu of real dollars.

• Proposition 102 was mentioned once. We don’t really recall what that proposition even entailed. Was it something about protecting the sanctity of … something … oh hell, who knows? If only people had been willing to talk about it more

• Nine members of the Delta Sigma Phi fraternity were arrested after vomiting milk off of the side of University Bridge, which allegedly caused a car collision below on University Drive. No word on what kind of milk they were drinking, but our bets are on 1 percent. After all, that’s exactly how much of their brains were in use at the time of the incident.

• There was booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere in the University’s academic advising offices. While a new title (Academic Success Specialists) brought new responsibilities for campus advisers, it also brought a comical acronym to the table: ASS. But we feel like we’ve made enough jokes about this so far this semester, so we won’t subject you to anymore. What do you think we are? ASS clowns?

• That election thingamajig happened. It appears that Barack Obama, who we’ve heard is a socialist and a terrorist, fooled a majority of Americans into voting for him, thus out-"mavericking" John McCain. Yeah, we know, we really need to stop watching Fox News in our newsroom. But before we do that, did we mention we can see Russia from our office? Pretty cool, huh?

• The storm of the century hit the Valley on Aug. 28, uprooting trees, flooding roadways, shattering windows and collapsing the oversized bubble that is ASU’s Devil Dome, a football practice facility. Perhaps God just confused us with Sodom and/or Gomorrah — you know, because of that whole Devil-worshipping thing we ASU kids do, with the pitchforks and “Go Devils” and all. Either that, or this “global climate change” doohickey could be onto something.

• The economic disaster — oh, the economic disaster. For our thoughts on this subject, please make a blank check out to “Arizona State University” and we’ll take care of the rest. Thank you for your business.